I couldn’t get Ms Nourish’s walking goals out of my head! So, I am making my own…and I am very excited about it! At the moment I can walk 5km (just) without being completely shagged. 

• Walking the 8km Mother’s Day Classic in the Domain, Sydney on May 9th.
• I am going to walk the City 2 Surf on August 8th…all 14km of it.
• Run (!!!) the 4km Family Fun Run (part of the Sydney Running Festival) over the Harbour Bridge on September 19th. I did this a few years ago and ran it in just under 30min – this time I want to beat that time.

So my training plan is this…

• Get up to a 5km walk once a week by the end of February
• 7.5km by the end of March
• 10km by the end of April
• 12.5km by the end of May
• Start the couch to 5km running program in June while continuing the 12.5km walks
• Couch to 5km and continues and walk up to 14km by the end of in July
• Complete C2S at the beginning of August and concentrate on running for the rest of the month.
• Running in preparation for the Sydney Running Festival

I can’t believe I have enthusiasm for this but I do! LOL!

The last time I exercised I was obsessed with doing it to lose weight. This time, I think it will contribute to weight loss very little. If it does, it does. But I think getting the food right is what will make the difference. I just want to be fit and not have my fitness level hold me back.

Thanks again, Ms Nourish!!!

1. Clean up the office! (I’ve started and it’s whipping my arse already)
2. 10,000 steps + per day
3. Pilates twice
4. Gym twice
5. Swimming once
6. Walk in the morning with the dog
7. Up early and to bed early
8. Only eat out once!
9. Good food!
10. More Beck Diet Solution!

So I finally got around to watching the rest of that episode of Oprah that I wrote about the other day (the putting yourself back on the list one) and there are four questions her and old Bob think you should ask yourself. Of course I have answered these type of questions before but I can’t express how much my weight loss and failures have affected me. I think about the emotions that have drowned me from time to time and feel so much sadness and pity for how hard I was on myself. Most of the lowest points of my life I have put down to being overweight – but now I realise that was just the easy and most obvious answer. At all of those low points the real issue was concern about where my life was heading, and would I ever find anyone to love me. Did I love myself? Not at all. And that’s what Oprah was discussing – it’s not a weight issue – it’s a love issue.

The questions are…

Why are you overweight?

I am overweight because from an early age I harboured a deep dislike of myself. At school – right from Kindergarten – I felt unable to make enough friends or be popular enough. I thought people didn’t like me and it must be for a reason but now I realise that I had as many friends as other people. I always thought I was ugly though. How does a child get that idea and live their life thinking it? That self-loathing has continued in the back of my mind, even though I am in a happy relationship now and happy in my life. I am in a much better place than I have ever been and eager to sweep out the closet of all bad memories and beliefs.

I am overweight at present because over the past 2 years or so I have slowly been sifting through a lot of mental stuff. I have struggled to be happy at times. I have questioned my relationships. At heart, I still feel like the unpopular girl and live a big part of my life accordingly.

What are you really hungry for?

Peace in my life. Time to myself. Acceptance from myself. An ordered life without clutter. Happiness. Fulfillment.

Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

Because I didn’t make healthy eating and exercising part of my everyday life. I was obsessive and spent a lot of hours in the gym and didn’t squeeze in exercise as part of my normal day. I denied myself food that I needed and cracked under the pressure. I tried to ignore the bad feelings I had, the relationships I wasn’t happy in, the feelings of unhappiness and ate my way through it. Food made me feel good when nothing else could.

Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight for health reasons. I know – I accept, finally – that it won’t solve all the problems in my life. But it will make me happier to be able to walk a long way and not want to die. It will mean I have more energy. It will get rid of the pain in a lot of my body. And I will be able to wear clothes I want to, not just ones that fit! A dream shared by one of my favourite internet people! Go read Ms Nourish here…I had a little cry as I read it.

Post number 100! And how has this week gone? Good…very good.

• I have maintained going to bed early and getting up early! (I’m shocked at that!)
• I have continued to work like a dog at school so I don’t have to bring work home.
• I have been sensible with my eating all week – tracked about half the days, ate very well the others.
• I have done over 10,000 steps per day (some days nearly double that) and have noticed my overall fitness has improved incredibly. Thanks for the Melbourne kick start, girls!
• I have spent more time with my husband
• I have maintained the distance with the blood suckers I work with…including ‘M’ (from this post). She came and gave me a big apology on the first day of school and admitted that she lied to my face, finishing the apology with a heartfelt “I really want us to be close friends again.” Well, sorry…but you have burnt that bridge honey. I know her too well to trust her again so I just thanked her for the apology and moved on. She realises it’s over and I know she knows she fucked up and lost a good friend. The sad thing is I didn’t. She just used me. *shrugs*

Let’s see how I go this week!

But February is going to be better! Have maintained the super efficiency over the past week, and today had a kick arse food day despite many barriers in my way! Went to Melbourne on the weekend and went on a big walk around the Tan with some friends and led by the amazing Ash…she is great, a true inspiration. If I had more energy I would link her. But our flight was cancelled, and we had to stay the night in Melbourne, so it was up at 4.30am to get the plane back here, straight to work, straight into class, straight into lunch meetings, straight into class, straight into after school meetings, straight onto homework and now home. And my eating was spot on. No junk. Under my calories for the day.

February? I’d like to lose 3kg. Then 2.5kg in March. And 1kg by April 15th. Under 100kg for my 6 year anniversary.

So says Oprah in a show I taped the other day and watched tonight. And I know this is boring for everyone playing along at home but shit this really resonates with me. Putting on weight isn’t about wanting or needing food – it’s about not putting yourself first at any point in your day and not loving yourself enough. And that, dear reader, is me. Has been me. I am changing that. But tonight I sat in the lounge after my first day back at work and thought “I have been so tough on myself. And my mind and body have kept trundling along and I have made it this far. But I am not willing to continue putting myself second to every other thing that squeaks for attention.”

For a long time there, I hated myself. My mind keeps going back to the weeks after I got married and the bitterness I felt that I had not lost all the weight I wanted to for my wedding. I punished myself with food. Instead of embracing my 87kg self and congratulating my efforts to lose about 17kgs, I pushed and shoved food into it with loathing and hate. I told myself that I was enjoying the food I was eating but the feelings it left me with reminded me how much I hated myself. That was one of the few times I seriously binged. When I came home from my honeymoon I was entering a really stressful time of my life at uni and did not allow any time for myself to exercise or plan food. I ate whatever I came across and dedicated all my time to getting through my course.

Since graduating and starting this job, the stress has continued as has putting my own needs on the back-burner. It takes time and effort to lose weight and this job combined with my own lack of organisation skills doesn’t allow me much time. That is something which must change…and so far I am doing pretty well in a week that has already proved  crazy. I have got up at 6.45am two days and this morning at 6am. Said no to people. Put my friends first. And today I am going to spend the day in my other faculty to work hard all day so I can not be running around next week like a blue arsed fly.

It’s all well and good to be writing goals but I have to plan the details.

The biggest problem I have is being organised. All the goals I have set are fairly easy on paper but it’s time management that kills me. I have to be at work early three mornings a week so have decided to go in early all 5 days to get a routine happening. That means leaving home over an hour earlier than I am used to and already I feel the resent level rising! LOL! I am such a baby!! To get over myself on this front I am going to pack all my food and get my clothes ready the night before to save some time. I am going to bed at a set time and getting up at the same time every morning. I hate planning a routine because I hate being told what to do (even by myself!) but this is essential – the benefits far outweigh the cranky feelings I have about it.

Before I plan this routine can I just say I know many of you who read this have children and are up at the arse crack of dawn! I know you will have no sympathy for my plight (and rightly so), but getting up early has been a source of tears and depression for years and it’s something I am really trying to crack. My aversion to getting up early sounds stupid I know, but it has led to me moving houses and everything because getting up to do the long commute to work was really having a negative effect on my happiness. SO! The new morning routine is this…

Get up at 6.45am, breakfast, get out the door by 7.30am. Walk to work (only 15 minutes) instead of getting the bus (I know! It’s terrible to be getting a bus for a journey of 1km but usually I am running that late I have no choice!) Two mornings a week I don’t have classes so from 8am till 8.50am  I will be doing some marking so try and cut down on the amount of work I bring home. I have a lot of periods off this year because of my role as debating coordinator so I should be able to get all my work done by 5pm at school. I have another desk I can use in a quieter department than mine (!!) and I have a state issued teeny tiny laptop now so the bloke is organising a screen and keyboard so I can use it at the other desk. Emails at work I will answer once a day. I am not giving my mobile number out for the other debating coordinators to have – I saw the how the constant phone calls killed the last coordinator!  

School goes back tomorrow. Let’s see how I go…off to plan food for the rest of the week now!

Starting writing this at the end of last year then got distracted and never finished the post…

Love this thought from my dietician…if anyone wants her details and you live in Sydney let me know in the comments and I will email you.

December is a great time to start to think about your goals for 2010 and to reflect on what you would like to be different this time next year. While it may appear to more appropriate to wait until January – January is holiday time and before you know it, Australia Day has arrived, the kids are going back to school and the year is in full swing. So, over the next few weeks, get your new diary or journal ready and start the process. Remember to think about goals in each of your core life domains – Career, Health, Relationships, Self and Finances. And before you roll you eyes at the mere thought of more psychology rubbish, the reason health professionals nag you about setting goals and documenting them is the simple fact that outcome is significantly more likely when goals are set.

No problems with eye rolling here…I’m all for making goals.

Career: Next year I will have a little bit of a different roll in my job – a coordinator and teaching across two subject areas. I am still not permanent at my school but there are people moving on so next year may be the year for that. It’s very hard to get a permanent job in the state system but the alternative isn’t that appealing. Even though I am qualified to teach in the Catholic system getting into these schools is just as hard and not something I’m sure I want to do. I have heard some pretty average things from teachers in private schools and I would rather stay in the state system. There are great benefits and I’m not keen to hand over any more flesh and blood at work – I do enough already. Keep my head down, bum up, and work smarter not harder is going to be the way I work in 2010.

Health: Lose more weight is the obvious one here – I want to make it to under 100kg by my 6 year anniversary with the bloke in April. That is totally doable. I also want to continue Pilates twice a week and build my core strength. I can’t say I want to get to my goal weight next year because of the ’trying to get pregnant’ deal but if I don’t get up the duff, goal would be nice. New goal is 80kg. If I do get pregnant I want to put on minimal weight. I am not going back to my heaviest weight! Have already planned with the dietician how I will approach that. Fitness is the number one thing I want to increase in 2010.

Relationships: Spend more time with the husband, and with friends that actually matter to me. I tend to get caught up in the day to day (like a lot of us) and my friends fall by the wayside. My biggest goal though is to work at keeping people who drain me at bay. I have some people I have already culled from my life and some that have culled me (LOL) so I was saved the trouble. I also want to spend more time with the people who matter to me – whilst I was overseas I had a dream about a good friend of mine and when I woke up I realised I hadn’t spoke to her since APRIL 2009! Not acceptable!

Self: Hmmm…can I think on this one? 

Finances: This one is easy – keep paying off the credit cards so we are out of debt at the end of the financial year. At the same time we are paying extra off our car loan, saving a ’slush fund’ and saving for our house.

This jet lag business is a cack. It’s 4.35am and I am WIDE awake! Back from our fabulous holiday overseas, indeed I am, and enthusiastic about what the year holds for me. I had the best time overseas…did not want to come home. I did, however, notice how differently I am treated as a woman wearing size 20 clothing. I have never noticed it before, but in the bloke (who is a bit of a fatty too) and I wear given looks. You know what I mean. The “check out the fatties” looks. And I noticed it much more than I ever have. I always thought that yes, while I realised I was technically overweight I never thought other people thought anything of it. Now I realise that that was wrong…people notice. And judge. What do I think about that? I’m not sure. I felt a little ashamed and self conscious to be honest. Another thing I noticed - I am having trouble squeezing in plane, bus and train seats. I have never felt that before but I am now that fat woman that someone has to sit near!
Next few days will be spent reading back over the Beck Diet Solution then making a plan for 2010!

Since I will be overseas for NYE and won’t have much time to post, I decided to write my wrap-up of 2009 now. I haven’t had a chance to consider how has this year been for me and am feeling a bit low today so let’s see how we go…

In 2009….

• I have learnt a lot about myself this year.  Reading The Gabriel Method and The Beck Diet Solution has helped me a lot in my journey to being a healthier person, both physically and mentally.
• I have coped with an enormous workload when I seriously doubted I would this time last year.
• I have improved as a teacher this year.
• I have developed both existing friendships and made new friends this year.
• I have walked away from a few friendships and although it has hurt I feel better for it…so self-preservation, although hard, has kicked in.
• We have (under my financial dictatorship!) paid off over half our credit card debt (started the beginning of the financial year with $27,555 and we are now down to $13,000 6 months later)
• Whilst paying off the debt we have managed to save over $10,000 towards our first home.
• We saved and paid for our 4 week overseas holiday
• I am going to see friends overseas that I haven’t seen for 8 years in a few days, and visit parts of the world I have never been to before.
• I have a great family and a loving husband who would do anything for me.
• I finally have the feeling that I want to be a mother and feel excited about what the future holds rather than terrified!

Things to work on for 2010

• CLUTTER: body and possessions. I weigh too much. I own too much.
• Time with my husband: time to concentrate on being more in the moment…

That’s all I can think of right now! I hope everyone’s Christmas was great and you all have  a great New Year’s Eve…