Well I have started seeing the shrink again and she has given me two horrible bits of homework. First – cancel my gym membership. Second – scoop up all the clothes that don’t fit me and get them out of my house. Both things are just about causing me to break out in hives. The reason for the homework is to try and get me to live ‘in the now’ and stop spending my time looking back with regret and guilt (friendships ending, putting on weight or not managing my fitness better) or looking ahead to the future (I will use the gym membership, I will fit into these clothes etc)

 The gym membership is a contentious issue. It’s cheap but I am just not using it and the guilt is killing me. I am writing the letter this afternoon and it will be gone in two weeks. When I was asked by the shrink why I had gone to the gym so much in the lead up to my wedding I realised it was because I hated myself. I hated my body and I couldn’t bear to live like that anymore. It wasn’t about getting fitter or feeling better at all. 

The clothes – oh my God, it’s killing me. I have a LOT of clothes and they are going to either go to charity or friends or be packed up and put in those vacuum bags and stored at my friend’s house. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know I have spoken before about the clothes issues and tried to get it sorted but I feel I am finally coming towards the end of it. At the moment I feel too anxious and depressed about throwing them all out – like I’m giving up on a dream or something. I have had clothes in my wardrobe that don’t fit me since I was 15! 20 years of my life! For 20 years of my life I haven’t accepted myself or loved myself. I have wanted to be something different. I have felt guilt and shame and embarrassment and had those clothes staring at me every time I opened the wardrobe door. Lynda (shrink) asked if I could consider letting them all go but I can’t for practical reasons as well as emotional. I remember wearing some of those clothes. I looked good and I felt good and I want to feel that way again. I do not want to be an unfit size 20 woman who struggles to find clothes to fit her. So I am keeping some and hiding them, and letting others go.

I don’t know if this will work in helping me. All I know is I’m sick of the guilt.

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