Archive for January, 2010


Put yourself back on your list…

So says Oprah in a show I taped the other day and watched tonight. And I know this is boring for everyone playing along at home but shit this really resonates with me. Putting on weight isn’t about wanting or needing food – it’s about not putting yourself first at any point in your day and not loving yourself enough. And that, dear reader, is me. Has been me. I am changing that. But tonight I sat in the lounge after my first day back at work and thought “I have been so tough on myself. And my mind and body have kept trundling along and I have made it this far. But I am not willing to continue putting myself second to every other thing that squeaks for attention.”

For a long time there, I hated myself. My mind keeps going back to the weeks after I got married and the bitterness I felt that I had not lost all the weight I wanted to for my wedding. I punished myself with food. Instead of embracing my 87kg self and congratulating my efforts to lose about 17kgs, I pushed and shoved food into it with loathing and hate. I told myself that I was enjoying the food I was eating but the feelings it left me with reminded me how much I hated myself. That was one of the few times I seriously binged. When I came home from my honeymoon I was entering a really stressful time of my life at uni and did not allow any time for myself to exercise or plan food. I ate whatever I came across and dedicated all my time to getting through my course.

Since graduating and starting this job, the stress has continued as has putting my own needs on the back-burner. It takes time and effort to lose weight and this job combined with my own lack of organisation skills doesn’t allow me much time. That is something which must change…and so far I am doing pretty well in a week that has already proved  crazy. I have got up at 6.45am two days and this morning at 6am. Said no to people. Put my friends first. And today I am going to spend the day in my other faculty to work hard all day so I can not be running around next week like a blue arsed fly.

It’s all well and good to be writing goals but I have to plan the details.

The biggest problem I have is being organised. All the goals I have set are fairly easy on paper but it’s time management that kills me. I have to be at work early three mornings a week so have decided to go in early all 5 days to get a routine happening. That means leaving home over an hour earlier than I am used to and already I feel the resent level rising! LOL! I am such a baby!! To get over myself on this front I am going to pack all my food and get my clothes ready the night before to save some time. I am going to bed at a set time and getting up at the same time every morning. I hate planning a routine because I hate being told what to do (even by myself!) but this is essential – the benefits far outweigh the cranky feelings I have about it.

Before I plan this routine can I just say I know many of you who read this have children and are up at the arse crack of dawn! 🙂 I know you will have no sympathy for my plight (and rightly so), but getting up early has been a source of tears and depression for years and it’s something I am really trying to crack. My aversion to getting up early sounds stupid I know, but it has led to me moving houses and everything because getting up to do the long commute to work was really having a negative effect on my happiness. SO! The new morning routine is this…

Get up at 6.45am, breakfast, get out the door by 7.30am. Walk to work (only 15 minutes) instead of getting the bus (I know! It’s terrible to be getting a bus for a journey of 1km but usually I am running that late I have no choice!) Two mornings a week I don’t have classes so from 8am till 8.50am  I will be doing some marking so try and cut down on the amount of work I bring home. I have a lot of periods off this year because of my role as debating coordinator so I should be able to get all my work done by 5pm at school. I have another desk I can use in a quieter department than mine (!!) and I have a state issued teeny tiny laptop now so the bloke is organising a screen and keyboard so I can use it at the other desk. Emails at work I will answer once a day. I am not giving my mobile number out for the other debating coordinators to have – I saw the how the constant phone calls killed the last coordinator!  

School goes back tomorrow. Let’s see how I go…off to plan food for the rest of the week now!

Starting writing this at the end of last year then got distracted and never finished the post…

Love this thought from my dietician…if anyone wants her details and you live in Sydney let me know in the comments and I will email you.

December is a great time to start to think about your goals for 2010 and to reflect on what you would like to be different this time next year. While it may appear to more appropriate to wait until January – January is holiday time and before you know it, Australia Day has arrived, the kids are going back to school and the year is in full swing. So, over the next few weeks, get your new diary or journal ready and start the process. Remember to think about goals in each of your core life domains – Career, Health, Relationships, Self and Finances. And before you roll you eyes at the mere thought of more psychology rubbish, the reason health professionals nag you about setting goals and documenting them is the simple fact that outcome is significantly more likely when goals are set.

No problems with eye rolling here…I’m all for making goals.

Career: Next year I will have a little bit of a different roll in my job – a coordinator and teaching across two subject areas. I am still not permanent at my school but there are people moving on so next year may be the year for that. It’s very hard to get a permanent job in the state system but the alternative isn’t that appealing. Even though I am qualified to teach in the Catholic system getting into these schools is just as hard and not something I’m sure I want to do. I have heard some pretty average things from teachers in private schools and I would rather stay in the state system. There are great benefits and I’m not keen to hand over any more flesh and blood at work – I do enough already. Keep my head down, bum up, and work smarter not harder is going to be the way I work in 2010.

Health: Lose more weight is the obvious one here – I want to make it to under 100kg by my 6 year anniversary with the bloke in April. That is totally doable. I also want to continue Pilates twice a week and build my core strength. I can’t say I want to get to my goal weight next year because of the ‘trying to get pregnant’ deal but if I don’t get up the duff, goal would be nice. New goal is 80kg. If I do get pregnant I want to put on minimal weight. I am not going back to my heaviest weight! Have already planned with the dietician how I will approach that. Fitness is the number one thing I want to increase in 2010.

Relationships: Spend more time with the husband, and with friends that actually matter to me. I tend to get caught up in the day to day (like a lot of us) and my friends fall by the wayside. My biggest goal though is to work at keeping people who drain me at bay. I have some people I have already culled from my life and some that have culled me (LOL) so I was saved the trouble. I also want to spend more time with the people who matter to me – whilst I was overseas I had a dream about a good friend of mine and when I woke up I realised I hadn’t spoke to her since APRIL 2009! Not acceptable!

Self: Hmmm…can I think on this one? 

Finances: This one is easy – keep paying off the credit cards so we are out of debt at the end of the financial year. At the same time we are paying extra off our car loan, saving a ‘slush fund’ and saving for our house.

I’m not tired…

This jet lag business is a cack. It’s 4.35am and I am WIDE awake! Back from our fabulous holiday overseas, indeed I am, and enthusiastic about what the year holds for me. I had the best time overseas…did not want to come home. I did, however, notice how differently I am treated as a woman wearing size 20 clothing. I have never noticed it before, but in the bloke (who is a bit of a fatty too) and I wear given looks. You know what I mean. The “check out the fatties” looks. And I noticed it much more than I ever have. I always thought that yes, while I realised I was technically overweight I never thought other people thought anything of it. Now I realise that that was wrong…people notice. And judge. What do I think about that? I’m not sure. I felt a little ashamed and self conscious to be honest. Another thing I noticed – I am having trouble squeezing in plane, bus and train seats. I have never felt that before but I am now that fat woman that someone has to sit near!
Next few days will be spent reading back over the Beck Diet Solution then making a plan for 2010!