Category: The Beck Diet Solution

I’ve been having a quiet crisis this week and I’ve been in denial about it. Day 17 was all about ending overeating by doing an exercise where you leave something on your plate. And I could not – would not – do it. I have been doing pretty well with keeping the food diary and couldn’t see the point of doing this exercise at home when I had counted the calories into my day. I have been pretty precise (for want of a better word, oh I don’t know, like obsessed!) when filling in my food diary and after all the effort I had been to I just didn’t want to leave any food behind! I would be under my calories for the day then! And I had worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get it right! No, I decided I would have to do this exercise when I went out to dinner, because I didn’t count the calories then anyway.

Of course, what was really going on here in the back of my mind was I just plain didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t fair that I had to do this! I like food! I was already sacrificing so much! I had already put in so much effort! And so I went out to dinner more than once and didn’t do it. Japanese is so expensive! I don’t want to! And so it went, on and on…

I was troubled that I couldn’t do this and pissed off that I was expected to. I couldn’t progress through the BDS without doing it – I knew it was something that was important. I knew I was on the cusp of discovering something very telling about myself. In the meantime, bad food and habits started to sneak back into my day. Instead of practicing Day 16’s NO CHOICE I was eating a little square of Toblerone here, pouring a glass of wine there. I wasn’t planning my food at the beginning of each morning and there was no reasonable excuse why. I always know if we are going out to dinner that night, and I still should be writing what I will plan to eat. Being vegetarian, there isn’t usually that much variation in what I order. I was not planning my food so as I ate that square of Toblerone or drank that wine I could say “Well, it’s not NOT on my plan!”

So on Friday night I finally hardened up and did it. We went out for Indian, and I left half a precious roti on my plate and only drank half my beer. I kind of cheated because it the roti was a bit cold but I still did it. I will have to practice it again. Was it as bad as I thought it would be? Unbelievably, kind of! I hated it! I am pathetic, I know, but I knew when I felt that shitty about it that there was definitely something else coming up. I came home and read through the next few days of the BDS…

Day 18: Change Your Definition of Full

And here is why Intuitive Eating will never work for me – my idea of how much I should eat to feel comfortable has never been developed properly. I have overeaten since I was 7 years old and I really loved the feeling of being really full. If I didn’t feel that I felt hard done by. I should be able to eat whatever the fuck I wanted to! (The common theme in my life starts to emerge) However, I have done really well with this over the past 2 months or so (since before starting the BDS). After reading the Gabriel Method I started listening to what my body was telling me but I still couldn’t follow through and only eat as much as I needed – I just didn’t know what that was, and even on the occasions that I did, I could easily talk myself into eating more. The biggest problem I had was overeating when we went out to restaurants but together the husband and I have worked hard to overcome that, ordering less food each time we went. The test for if you have eaten too much according the Beck is asking yourself “Could I easily go for a moderate to brisk walk?” immediately after eating. I can safely say now that the answer to that is yes. On the occasions where I have eaten a little too much I do not feel happy at all!

Have to go and do some marking so more later…


Unwobble *edited*

Sorry about last night all…just feeling very low. Have woken up this morning in a much better frame of mind and determined to take on today’s battles.

We have a staff morning tea today and I am going out to dinner tonight for (Indian which is not the world’s most low fat food! So I have to plan some strategies…

I know that there is going to be things at the morning tea that I want to eat like spinach and feta pastitsies. But as I am going out to dinner and can’t count the calories accurately, I want to eat food that is low calorie today. I have been trying to think of food which is low fat that will take me a long time to eat at recess and the only thing I can think of is a banana smoothie with soy protein powder. This involves some equipment and probably people noticing that I am going to a lot of effort (taking ingredients and equipment to school to make it) and not eating the morning tea that will be put on.  I may get questioned. I am not telling these people I am eating healthy, on a diet or anything else – I don’t need the attention. I’m not sure what I will say…but I am at least prepared and have accepted that I will not be eating any of the morning tea.

Second challenge – dinner tonight. Normally I would have two pieces of roti bread and no rice but of course rice is lower in calories. The problem is that roti is sold two at a time and I have a huge problem wasting food. I could bring it home for the husband to eat the next day…but to have it sitting there will be terrible! LOL! A good night to practice leaving food on my plate. And NOT something I am looking forward to! I already have ditched the entree (deep-fried cauliflower) and I know I can convince myself to have two half serves of curry (instead of the standard 1 and a half) but the roti – that will hurt. As will not having a huge beer with dinner.

But I tell you – losing weight and being healthier and thinner is far more important that a day of eating whatever I want…

PS – Thanks Linda for the lovely comment yesterday!

30/10…I won the food battle at work, and was very proud of myself! I didn’t help prepare the food, and when I went into the staff room where it was being held I took my own food and sat and ate it while chatting to others. Then I got up and walked out. I had a look at what was on the table and I would have normally had something from just about every plate. I ended up eating my lunch at recess because it was infinitely more interesting than the banana smoothie I had planned.

After recess I went to the canteen to buy a banana for the above mentioned smoothie…and they didn’t have any! First day they haven’t had a banana sitting on the counter ALL YEAR! I swore (quietly) then walked up to the only shop near school…and again, no banana! I walked back to school with the shits. That may seem like an over-reaction but I had gone to so much trouble lugging in the milk, protein powder, stick blender. I went off to teach a class and had a brainwave. “Has anyone’s mother packed them a banana today? Would you like to swap it for 5 redskins?” Desperate times means desperate measures. I had my banana.

Dinner than night saw a change in circumstances and we went out for Japanese. I didn’t eat till I was overfull and I really enjoyed it.

Saturday today and am catching up with some old friend’s of the husband’s. Am going to take afternoon tea (some fruit for me and a cake or cheese I don’t like so I won’t be tempted). Melbourne Cup is coming up and work is having a get together for it – no food there for me either. I am so determined to do this. I know it won’t be forever. I feel a level of determination I didn’t know I possessed.

The first two weeks are meant to be preparation for dieting but I am past that…I am doing it! I will still do all the pre-diet exercises in the book though.

Day 2’s exercise: Pick two reasonable diets

I struggled and resisted this one a bit. “I only need one!” I thought. “There’s no way I’m going to fail! Counting calories and not having the restriction of having a meal plan is working for me!” But…you tell me to have a back-up plan in case this one fails and I will, Judith Beck, Ph.D because you have done this shit before and I am a mere fatty. 😛

So my first diet is counting calories and my back-up is the Low GI diet. I even have a back-up for the back-up…I will get S to make a meal plan for me.

Day 3’s exercise: Eat sitting down.

Pffffffffffffft! This is SO not a problem for me! I have never eaten anything standing up in my life! I always sit downnnn…wait….no I don’t. Shit. This book is onto something!

From Beck’s list (“Do you do any of the following?”) I am guilty of 

  • Taking free samples of food at the grocery store (Baker’s Delight!)
  •  Taste food as you prepare meals
  • Spoon ice cream out of the container (have sometimes eaten the whole tub this way!)
  • Take a piece of candy when you walk past the snack jar sitting on a coworker’s desk (for me that translates to eating a chocolate biscuit/chips that are left on the coffee table in our staff room)
  • Nibble on something you see when opening the fridge to get something else out (again – me at work. I don’t have biscuits in the house here but we always have packets of Tim Tams at work and I always grab one when I open the fridge door – God knows why!!!)

So much of this food stuff relates to work! I do sit down at home but not there so that is my challenge come Monday – no grabbing biscuits as I run off to class!

I had heard fantastic things about this book from a friend on a “gated internet community” I belong to (LOL) and so being interested in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I ordered it.  I just started reading it yesterday and already I can see that it’s going to be incredibly beneficial to me. I have done a course on CBT years ago and it made such a difference to my happiness – and I know it’s the head stuff that has stopped me sticking to a diet and panicking when I get to a certain weight and eating to put the weight back on. ‘S’ (my dietician) said to me last week “You know what to do. The reason you have trouble is not your knowledge or your technique, it’s your beliefs.” She is, as usual, right.

This time, everything has fallen into place. I can’t even say I am determined to do it – it’s now just fact to me. I will do it. I will not give up.

So, day one of the Beck Diet Solution… I have to make a list of reasons I want to lose weight. I did make a list a few weeks ago here but have added a few reasons and edited them to be positive in tone. 

Reasons I want to lose weight

1) I won’t feel ugly, sad and embarrassed when I see photos of myself.

2) I won’t look terrible. No matter how much effort I go to, I still look like someone I barely recognise. My body looks like it’s been draped with lard.

3) It won’t be hard to exercise. I find it hard walking even small distances and will do anything to avoid it. I find it hard walking up stairs. I can’t run without my body hurting and me being aware of how terrible I look.

4) I will be able to dress the way I want to. I am limited by being a size 20 because it’s very hard to buy decent clothes when you are overweight.

5) I will not feel pain in my knees, back, ankles and feet. The pain I feel is from being overweight. It will not get any better until I lose weight.

6) I will be better off financially. I have an entire wardrobe of clothes I love and want to wear. Clothes that I wore once and I felt fantastic in. One-off vintage pieces that I love.I don’t want to try and replace them or sell them off – I want to be able to wear them.

7) I will no longer avoid any type of intimacy (I’m talking right at a basic level here – am even avoiding hugging!) with the husband because I am ashamed of what my body looks like.

8 ) I will feel my age instead of some middle aged sexless androgynous non-entity. Finally.

9) I will have a waist. My waist has disappeared and when the husband puts his hands on my waist now I feel embarrassed that all he is feeling is rolls of fat.

10) I will have more energy.

11) I won’t tire as easily.

12) I will not have the health problems associated with being obese and pregnant. I can’t image the strain of lugging around even 1 kilo more!

13) I won’t be embarrassed.

14) I will have a normal relationship with food.

15) When I have children I will be a positive role model. Wait – firstly, I will have energy to be a mother!

The book also asks you to commit to reading the reasons twice a day (at least). I commit to reading this list as soon as I wake up (to have it fresh in my mind when I face the day) and as soon as I get home (while I’m sitting out the back relaxing for 30 minutes before getting on with everything else I need to do) I will also have a copy in my bag at school in case I need it around lunch time. It’s a full A4 page so I am not carrying it in my purse to rip out and read in front of the idiots I work with! 🙂

I had a funny realisation when writing to a friend a moment ago about the reasons I eat…had to record it here.

“I too have no deep dark reasons why I eat – I did, but they are all worked through. They will probably resurface when I am in the mid 80kg range but until then I am sweet. I really had to think about the reasons I eat…some of them are

* I deserve it! Why the fuck shouldn’t I eat something if I want it!?
* I love food!
* I hate being told what to do.
* I am defiant.
* It’s none of your business what I eat!
* I eat and behave exactly how I want to and you just all wish you did what I did.
* I refuse to conform to society’s expectations

SHIT! I had no idea all that was going to come out! LOL! That’s honestly how I feel…and where has it got me? To 112kg and health problems.”

Bring on day 2!