Had two important realisations over the past two days.

First – I tutor this Year 11 student, and if you asked me if I enjoyed doing it or not I’d be neutral. Once I’m there at the library working with him I’m ok, but in the lead up to leaving the house I feel depressed and like my life sucks. I didn’t necessarily put it down to going to tutoring, but I think that is what that problem is. I was stopping at the shop on the way and buying a chocolate either on the way (because I was feeling low) or on the way home (because I was happy it was over). Either placating or rewarding myself with food. Now, this is something that my mother never did but I did myself once I hit that all important age of 7, which is when I first felt true unhappiness and panic. I remember coming home from school and eating heaps of junk food and really feeling happy and loved. It’s crazy – but that’s how I felt! Same with going out for dinner too – once a fortnight we got to go to that horrible burger place with the clown (don’t want to name it for random Google search reasons) and sitting there with my siblings and my mum I honestly felt loved and blissfully happy. I don’t remember having that feeling just from interaction with my parents.

I know my mum loves me and she is one of my best friends now. We have always got on very well and I know she was the best mother she could be to me given her own upbringing and history. This is something that happened in the past and now it’s time to move on and change my thinking about food.

What I did yesterday was think of the tutoring money and how it could help us. I prepared a really interesting lesson for my student and worked him hard during the hour. I felt confident that I knew what I was talking about and he really seemed to get what I was saying. As I was walking there I was visualising how proud I would be when we were out of debt and on our way to our next financial goal of buying a house. When I got paid, I reminded myself of our goals and forced myself to walk home instead of getting the bus. Did I buy something from the shop? Yes – but only a milky way – in previous weeks I have bought two chocolate bars. I won’t get over this instantly, but I really want to stop medicating my emotions with food.

Second realisation – here I am this morning trying to go through a box of paperwork that has sat on the floor of our office for about 6 months (Christ – maybe longer!) It has notes from school in it and lesson plans. And I am finding it SO HARD to go through. It’s making me feel overwhelmed, depressed and inadequate. I hang on to some of this stuff because I feel stupid. I know in theory I’m not but I worry that all those lectures I didn’t really pay attention in, all those notes I never read, all the study I didn’t do is one day going to come and bite me on the arse. And realistically – will it? No. It won’t. It’s in the past. I can always source what I need to.

Another thing I do when I’ve overwhelmed with the clutter is go shopping. I use it as a way to avoid doing something uncomfortable and as another form of self-medication. I don’t want to do that as much – I need to change my behaviour there too.

So letting go of clutter equals letting go of guilt and remorse and the potential to correct past “mistakes”. All I need to do is move forward. Instead of being anxious and overwhelmed I am going to change my thinking to believe that this is the way forward, this is what I want my life to feel like and my house to look like.

I need to let go of the guilt and accept that sorting clutter ISN’T EASY. It is HARD and draining. I don’t know why I feel it should be easy – might be something to do with the fact that I believe I shouldn’t have this sort of clutter in the first place.

I’ll leave you with something positive (for a change!) We now only have $6750 to go before our CC debt is paid off!!!

The husband got a big contract and has been working like a dog so we have put some money away for the car rego and service due in June and paid some extra off his CC (the interest free period runs out on it in about 2 weeks and we have $2000 to go on it! I really want to make it!)

I cannot believe we are at this point – too exciting. If we are able to pay off $675 per week for the next 10 weeks we will be out of debt by the end of the financial year which was our original date – yes, the one we gave up on because we didn’t think we could do it. I am so motivated now and can’t WAIT to say…

I HAVE NO FUCKING CREDIT CARD DEBT!!!

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