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Oh my aching head!

Gave up diet coke this week – not easy in anyone’s books. I don’t really have any vices (don’t smoke, drink coffee, don’t drink too much alcohol or eat meat) so I felt a little hard done by giving up the one naughty thing I love but I know it’s not good for me. On Tuesday I went to a conference on hormones and fat loss and walked out shocked at what I learnt about insulin resistance and weight loss. I resolved to make sure I had an even distribution of carbs throughout the day and give up diet coke – something my dietician had asked me to do months ago. The sweetener is 200 times sweeter than sugar! No wonder as soon as I finish a can I want more sweet food for the rest of the day! It was really hard to get through some days without a can, but I just kept drinking water and had an Aspro at 2pm when I thought my head was going to explode.

This week has been incredibly excellent in terms of weight loss. I stuck like glue to my lower calories and didn’t overeat when out for dinner or at my Godson’s birthday party yesterday. Hell, I even made three desserts and didn’t eat them! When it was my turn to take morning tea to work everything I bought had meat, fish or gelatin in eat so I didn’t sit there and eat heaps. I was very determined…and rewarded with the biggest weight loss I have had for ages!

-1.7kg!

I know this won’t happen every week but it was great to see! I am only on the lower calories for another 3 weeks so it will be interesting to see what happens.

A job was advertised in my dream town last Wednesday so I am applying for that even though we are not ready to move – if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and the husband and I will work something out. Jobs are so rarely advertised there in the state system that I just HAVE to apply even though my current school will be very pissed off! LOL!  

Off to have breakfast! 🙂

BDS – Day 2

No problems here – “Pick any two reasonable diets”. First is counting calories (making sure I am getting enough protein) and second is to follow Low GI or get S the dietician to make me a meal plan.

Have made a decision though…after essentially maintaining my weight since the end of last year till now I need to be realistic and look at the amount of calories I am having. I have dropped it (after advice from S) by 250 calories. I have the determination, I can do this. It’s not forever.

Resistance is futile!

For weeks – no, months! – I have been trying to convince myself to pick up the BDS and get back to work. My weight loss efforts have been flapping around in the breeze and I have been trying to convince myself that I am serious about it. Headwise, yes, I have made a lot of progress.  And I certainly felt OK about the process…but honestly? Come on. I have not even lost 5kg since I started this. There is a time for action, and accepting that you are not putting your heart and soul into this. For me, that time is now.

Tonight I have faffed about on facebook, read every news site known to man and watched TV I wasn’t interested in. All because I did NOT want to pick up the BDS and continue the journey. I need to start from the beginning. And it has taken me all night but I have printed out the list of reasons I wanted to lose weight and made a copy for my wallet and a copy for my bedside table. I will write a little revision here and anyone who wants to follow along can.

Beck Diet Solution: Day 1

Reasons I want to lose weight

  • I will feel proud and happy when I see photos of myself.
  • I won’t feel pain in my knees, back, ankles and feet.
  • Everything in my wardrobe will fit me and I will be able to dress the way I want to, wear clothes that I once wore and I felt fantastic in and feel like an individual again.   
  •  I will feel sexy and attractive around my husband. I will have a waist.
  • I will have so much energy.
  • I will be happy and healthy when I am pregnant.
  • I will have a normal relationship with food.

Bring on day two…and may it not take me all night to do it.

I really want to do this – cognitive behaviour therapy has helped me so much in the past. I want to get over my food addiction.

I am addicted to sugar, me thinks. Today I have had an abnormal amount of sweet foods and I have to admit to myself that once I start, I find it very very hard to stop. It’s like the sugar floodgates are open! However I have been through this before and I know what I have to do to knock it on the head.

  • Start the day with a huge drink of water. Whenever I drink 500ml of water as soon as I get up, everything is better.
  • Have an interesting, chewy breakfast – only have an Energizer Up and G0 if there’s some serious sleeping in happening. They might be high in protein but they are high in sugar too…My favourite breakfast is a slice of Pure Essence Bread with avo and grilled cheese.
  • Take good food to work. Food I look forward to eating.
  • And lastly…and most scary…I need to…

GIVE UP DIET COKE!

Fuck I am not looking forward to that! However I think the sweetness of it is what is making me crave sweet food. I like something fizzy so am going to buy some soda water.

Diet coke goes as of tomorrow. Just for a week and I will see how I feel…

*gulp*

Interesting reading HERE!

Can I?

Can I walk 5km? I have been using my pedometer and would estimate I have been covering that every day but that’s not non-stop – it’s over an entire day. This morning I am going to the gym after many failed attempts to get back there regularly to go to a Pilates class – I can’t justify paying the huge amount of money the other studio is charging me to go twice a week. I have cut that back to once a week and will go to Fitness First once a week on the weekend. But…back to the walking. To get a spot in the Pilates class I will have to get there early and I am going to do some cardio work. Today – it’s seeing if I can walk 5km without stopping. So stupid that I am worried about this!!! Will let you know how I go.

This last week has been a challenge – we were away all last weekend and didn’t go grocery shopping. We planned what to eat for the remainder of the week but didn’t really stick to it. I didn’t track food once and ate whatever I felt like at work (including thai 3 days which I can’t afford from a financial and calorie point of view). I am feeling low today but working hard to pull myself out of it…

07/03

Well, yes I can. I got to the gym and there was a problem with my membership that took them a while to sort out so I didn’t get on the treadmill until 45 minutes before my Pilates class started. I walked 2.5km which was 3300 steps…I know I can walk at least 7000 as I did it with the husband the other day. So 5km – yes I can. Pilates at the gym was so hard – way above my level. I just did what I could and envied those around me! I will continue to go every week. It did feel good to be back at the gym and I will keep it up – thanks to Jadey I have an INCREDIBLY cheap FF membership (thanks girl!!! I hope they never put the price up!) and I want to use it as much as possible. I really want my fitness to increase.

I have still been feeling depressed and yesterday went shopping and ate a huge easter egg and despite trying to snap out of it all day (by exercising, eating well, drinking water and even a berocca!) this was the only thing that worked. I know I am feeling depressed because I am not pregnant this month and while I am not too worried about it now (thanks to the ultrasound I had the other day) I am sad about it. I am going to have to go and have the blood test in the next two weeks and while I am looking forward to having it I am looking forward to knowing exactly what’s going on blood wise (as is my dietician and herbalist).

I have decided that every month I am not pregnant I am going to make some goals to make it easier for me when I do end up pregnant! So this cycle’s goals are…

  1. Keep chipping my way towards the “under 100kg” mark
  2. Keep up with my “early to bed, early to rise, work like a dog at school to avoid bringing home work” regime.
  3. Finish two painting projects I have: the cupboard doors for a unit we renovated over 2 years ago (using the unit without any doors at mo!) and an outdoor setting.
  4. Keeping up the weekly clean and shopping…it’s all about the routine!
  5. Get a flu jab and see my Doctor about a niggling health problem.
  6. BDS!!

Anyway there you go – me trying to dig my way out of depression. *sigh* I really want to be happy!

:)

Am feeling a lot better today. Thanks so much for your comments and encouragement…sometimes you just need to let it out and know there are people out there supporting you. This is stuff I can’t talk to many of my RL friends about. Chris – you mentioned that I should work on the problem – I am!!!!!! I am seeing a Dietician about my weight, a Doctor who referred me on to have some scans and a blood test, and now a Herbalist trained in acupuncture! I am being very pro-active! I’m not sure how much else I could bloody do!

So – we have some progress. First off I went to see the Herbalist and answered a million questions about everything cycle related before getting some herbs to drink and having some acupuncture. I then had an ultrasound to rule out what they thought was going on inside (results soon but looks very good) and was advised to leave the blood test until next month. Things are happening. I feel better. I know to a lot of you it must have seemed I was paranoid and worrying about nothing but please bear in mind the full story isn’t written here and I am sure these feelings are quite normal if you can cast your mind back to when you were trying to get pregnant.

…I must be on Depressed Drive now!

RIGHT! Trying to snap out of it! Let’s make a list of things that are going right!

  1. Have had a great food week so far!
  2. Much to my surprise the husband is on board and tracking food on Calorie King with me! He has finally had enough of being overweight too (he put weight on after our wedding too) and is on the bandwagon for the first time ever. I am pleased I am not doing this alone.
  3. I am seeing lots of friends this weekend for my birthday including one of my best friends from England.
  4. The husband gave me a GREAT birthday present last night – took me to see Tex Perkins in the Johnny Cash tribute show at the Opera House. I had no idea it was on and it was a lovely surprise.

So why the fuck am I depressed?

I am not permanent in the job am I in and there is a very good chance a position will become available at the beginning to mid term 2.  My Head Teacher actually said to me “Bee…I am telling you one thing. Don’t get pregnant. Not yet.” Now, I haven’t even mentioned that we are trying right now but she knows why I want a permanent job. I thought about what she said and decided (with a heavy heart) that all baby making efforts should be put on the back-burner, even for just this month. And then I got sad. And I watched my chart tell me that these are the days most likely to conceive and just at the last minute, I lost it. Told the husband that I thought this was a mistake and I was not happy putting it off and I wanted to just keep on trying. Whatever happens at school happens. If I get a fucking job I get one. If not – *shrug*

So I feel happier now but still anxious. I have an appointment with a herbalist tomorrow and I know I am going to walk in there and the tears will flow. I am still scared about having the blood taken too and have been putting it off. I want to take control of the situation and go and talk to the clinic that will be taking it about some concerns I have but at the moment don’t feel able to do this. My blood test phobia is working overtime and making me lose sleep. I also feel angry at myself for not listening to my gut instinct about putting off trying for the sake of work. 

Live and learn, hey?

I can’t tell you how worried I am that I am going to have problems getting pregnant.

Edited to add: By the above sentence, I mean serious problems, like the only way I’ll get pregnant is to try IVF problems. My Dr has already confirmed that she thinks something is going on. I just don’t want to go into the gory details here.

It all boils down to vanity…

It doesn’t matter about many things I like about the “Old” Bee, the fact is it is unhealthy and pretty unattractive being this big. I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. I look in the wardrobe and don’t like what I see. The other things I find comforting about being fat will have to shove it…being a size 20 outweighs (no pun intended) all the ‘good’ things. Even if I could get to a size 16 I would be happy!

So the weight loss continues. Have planned my food for today and this week and the husband is in on it to. My -5kg chart is going well (“Overall trend! Overall trend!” I can hear my husband saying!) and I am feeling happy.

Another thing making me happy is meeting with a friend of mine last night who can crochet! When I go to Canberra for a weekend with my ex-HBC friends soon she is going to teach me how to read patterns. I will be a master at the crochet! LOL!

Bloody hell.

I have not had the easiest 24 hours.

Watched Ruby last night (I am such a sucker for that show even though it tries to be mock dramatic and it doesn’t work) and was really touched by something she said. She is now under 350 pounds (which she has never been in her adult life) and was struggling with it. Was having trouble letting go of the dresses she wore when she was at 700 pounds and not as happy with the weight loss as she imagined she would be. Her shrink and her spoke about how she was struggling to let go of the “Old” Ruby. And it made me realise I struggled in the past and right now as well to let go of the “old” Bee and how in a lot of ways I don’t want to.

What I love about the overweight Bee is this – I am invisible to most people, men in particular. No one is going to be turning around to stare at me or make comments. I am a non-entity in their eyes and that is the way I like it! I have never been comfortable with myself and it is easier to walk through life and not have anyone give me a second look. I am not that overweight that people stare either. Just…a normal fat person.

The other thing that I love about being overweight is I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to consider if I will put on weight. I can try everything, as much of is as I want. Food has also offered me comfort for years and I am scared to not have that comfort anymore. Yes…I do realise that sounds mental. 

I am reluctant to let either of these things go – I just hadn’t realised it before. It will be letting go of a part of me that’s been around for as long as I can remember. In fact today I wondered if I could let it go at all! It would be so much easier to stay overweight.

Today’s other shitty moment was going to something I have been looking forward to for ages – a class to learnt to crochet. It was terrible. The teacher wasn’t great, not explaining the language used or giving basic instructions, but worst of all was my attitude to it. I find it incredibly hard to learn new things. I have this neon light flashing in my head that blinks “I can’t! I’m dumb! I can’t! I’m dumb!” It drowns out my concentration and I want to cry. I get defensive and angry and my brain won’t let in any new info. I have always been like it when it comes to things I’m not a natural at – a lifetime of thinking I was an idiot. I really tried today though – keep thinking “everyone learns at their own pace” and remembering that some of these people weren’t beginners, or could sew and knit before this. The woman who ran the shop said unless you have the dexterity for this sort of work it IS hard starting. I really really REALLY want to be able to crochet. I have for years. So I am going to stick at it and accept that learning something new is HARD and I am exercising a part of my brain that isn’t natural for me to use.

Life is really fucking hard, you know? Lol…

5kg at a time.

I feel a lot better now I have a Dr too. For a long time I have been visiting three Doctors. One great Dr in the city when there is “serious” stuff and I know I need a thorough Dr experience – only problem is I have to travel to get there and he is virtually impossible to get in to. I always end up waiting about an hour because he is running so behind. I love him, but too hard. I have also been seeing whoever is working that day at the medical centre up the road for boring things (flu, need medical certificate etc) and searching out a LADY DOCTOR (as my mother calls them) for anything pap-pap related.  Now I have A DOCTOR. One for everything. I feel like I am in control of my health and taking myself seriously.

I have taken the suggestion of the BDS and have made a graph charting my weight loss 5kg at a time. It is actually helping me get some perspective on this whole thing…for instance this month hasn’t been huge in terms of weight loss but I do feel like mentally I am getting ahead. Seeing the chart go down is helping – I keep hearing my husband telling me to look at the “overall trend”! My aim is to lose around 5kg every 10 weeks – 1/2 a kilo per week. Not a lot, but this is for life. It has to be easy to maintain and feel natural. Which leads me to Easter Eggs.

Every year when Easter Eggs are put out in the shops I start to have feelings of no control and avoid going into places that sell them. I really, really love Easter Egg chocolate! This year, I am not going to feel guilty. I am still keeping a food diary and if I want one, I will have it and work it into my calories for the day. I know many of you reading disagree with counting calories but honestly it is the only thing that keeps me honest. If I was capable of eating only what my body thought it needed I would be 20 stone! 🙂

Foot is on the mend and I will be trying some walking tonight to see what it thinks. I have also done the “Real Age” test (thanks Oprah – again!) and my age isn’t too bad – 36.2. My actual age is 34.9. Something to work on!