I can’t stop thinking about this expression that I heard yesterday on another trashy show I love – Ruby. Love Ruby and her Southern ways! In the last episode she was trying to get to the root of her problem – why, at the end of a year, with help and support from friends, dietitians and trainers, she is still around 350 pounds.

I have to ask myself the same question. Why, after seeing my dietician since August 30th 2008 am I still around the same weight? Why, with a supportive husband and friends am I still the same the weight? Why, after everything I have learnt and all the knowledge I have am I the same weight? Why can’t I motivate myself and have the discipline needed to lose weight?

Because, as Ruby’s therapist said, I have a hole in my soul. One that I have tried to fill with food for 28 years. I have written about it before and I just don’t know how to get over it.  I am considering going back and seeing a psychologist that I saw a few years ago to get over this. I feel there’s so much buried pain and hurt surrounding the seemingly meaningless events of my childhood and it is stopping me from moving forward. I feel quite stupid writing about it yet again but when I was watching Ruby I started crying just thinking about it. Food felt like my only friend and the only thing which made me feel loved in that horrible year. It felt like not even my own mother loved me.

Don’t get me wrong – since 2008 I have learnt so much about eating and what a healthy diet should be. I have had many small victories. But the cold hard facts are that I still weigh over 100kg. And that is ridiculous.