Archive for February, 2010

…I must be on Depressed Drive now!

RIGHT! Trying to snap out of it! Let’s make a list of things that are going right!

  1. Have had a great food week so far!
  2. Much to my surprise the husband is on board and tracking food on Calorie King with me! He has finally had enough of being overweight too (he put weight on after our wedding too) and is on the bandwagon for the first time ever. I am pleased I am not doing this alone.
  3. I am seeing lots of friends this weekend for my birthday including one of my best friends from England.
  4. The husband gave me a GREAT birthday present last night – took me to see Tex Perkins in the Johnny Cash tribute show at the Opera House. I had no idea it was on and it was a lovely surprise.

So why the fuck am I depressed?

I am not permanent in the job am I in and there is a very good chance a position will become available at the beginning to mid term 2.  My Head Teacher actually said to me “Bee…I am telling you one thing. Don’t get pregnant. Not yet.” Now, I haven’t even mentioned that we are trying right now but she knows why I want a permanent job. I thought about what she said and decided (with a heavy heart) that all baby making efforts should be put on the back-burner, even for just this month. And then I got sad. And I watched my chart tell me that these are the days most likely to conceive and just at the last minute, I lost it. Told the husband that I thought this was a mistake and I was not happy putting it off and I wanted to just keep on trying. Whatever happens at school happens. If I get a fucking job I get one. If not – *shrug*

So I feel happier now but still anxious. I have an appointment with a herbalist tomorrow and I know I am going to walk in there and the tears will flow. I am still scared about having the blood taken too and have been putting it off. I want to take control of the situation and go and talk to the clinic that will be taking it about some concerns I have but at the moment don’t feel able to do this. My blood test phobia is working overtime and making me lose sleep. I also feel angry at myself for not listening to my gut instinct about putting off trying for the sake of work. 

Live and learn, hey?

I can’t tell you how worried I am that I am going to have problems getting pregnant.

Edited to add: By the above sentence, I mean serious problems, like the only way I’ll get pregnant is to try IVF problems. My Dr has already confirmed that she thinks something is going on. I just don’t want to go into the gory details here.


It all boils down to vanity…

It doesn’t matter about many things I like about the “Old” Bee, the fact is it is unhealthy and pretty unattractive being this big. I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. I look in the wardrobe and don’t like what I see. The other things I find comforting about being fat will have to shove it…being a size 20 outweighs (no pun intended) all the ‘good’ things. Even if I could get to a size 16 I would be happy!

So the weight loss continues. Have planned my food for today and this week and the husband is in on it to. My -5kg chart is going well (“Overall trend! Overall trend!” I can hear my husband saying!) and I am feeling happy.

Another thing making me happy is meeting with a friend of mine last night who can crochet! When I go to Canberra for a weekend with my ex-HBC friends soon she is going to teach me how to read patterns. I will be a master at the crochet! LOL!

Bloody hell.

I have not had the easiest 24 hours.

Watched Ruby last night (I am such a sucker for that show even though it tries to be mock dramatic and it doesn’t work) and was really touched by something she said. She is now under 350 pounds (which she has never been in her adult life) and was struggling with it. Was having trouble letting go of the dresses she wore when she was at 700 pounds and not as happy with the weight loss as she imagined she would be. Her shrink and her spoke about how she was struggling to let go of the “Old” Ruby. And it made me realise I struggled in the past and right now as well to let go of the “old” Bee and how in a lot of ways I don’t want to.

What I love about the overweight Bee is this – I am invisible to most people, men in particular. No one is going to be turning around to stare at me or make comments. I am a non-entity in their eyes and that is the way I like it! I have never been comfortable with myself and it is easier to walk through life and not have anyone give me a second look. I am not that overweight that people stare either. Just…a normal fat person.

The other thing that I love about being overweight is I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to consider if I will put on weight. I can try everything, as much of is as I want. Food has also offered me comfort for years and I am scared to not have that comfort anymore. Yes…I do realise that sounds mental. 

I am reluctant to let either of these things go – I just hadn’t realised it before. It will be letting go of a part of me that’s been around for as long as I can remember. In fact today I wondered if I could let it go at all! It would be so much easier to stay overweight.

Today’s other shitty moment was going to something I have been looking forward to for ages – a class to learnt to crochet. It was terrible. The teacher wasn’t great, not explaining the language used or giving basic instructions, but worst of all was my attitude to it. I find it incredibly hard to learn new things. I have this neon light flashing in my head that blinks “I can’t! I’m dumb! I can’t! I’m dumb!” It drowns out my concentration and I want to cry. I get defensive and angry and my brain won’t let in any new info. I have always been like it when it comes to things I’m not a natural at – a lifetime of thinking I was an idiot. I really tried today though – keep thinking “everyone learns at their own pace” and remembering that some of these people weren’t beginners, or could sew and knit before this. The woman who ran the shop said unless you have the dexterity for this sort of work it IS hard starting. I really really REALLY want to be able to crochet. I have for years. So I am going to stick at it and accept that learning something new is HARD and I am exercising a part of my brain that isn’t natural for me to use.

Life is really fucking hard, you know? Lol…

5kg at a time.

I feel a lot better now I have a Dr too. For a long time I have been visiting three Doctors. One great Dr in the city when there is “serious” stuff and I know I need a thorough Dr experience – only problem is I have to travel to get there and he is virtually impossible to get in to. I always end up waiting about an hour because he is running so behind. I love him, but too hard. I have also been seeing whoever is working that day at the medical centre up the road for boring things (flu, need medical certificate etc) and searching out a LADY DOCTOR (as my mother calls them) for anything pap-pap related.  Now I have A DOCTOR. One for everything. I feel like I am in control of my health and taking myself seriously.

I have taken the suggestion of the BDS and have made a graph charting my weight loss 5kg at a time. It is actually helping me get some perspective on this whole thing…for instance this month hasn’t been huge in terms of weight loss but I do feel like mentally I am getting ahead. Seeing the chart go down is helping – I keep hearing my husband telling me to look at the “overall trend”! My aim is to lose around 5kg every 10 weeks – 1/2 a kilo per week. Not a lot, but this is for life. It has to be easy to maintain and feel natural. Which leads me to Easter Eggs.

Every year when Easter Eggs are put out in the shops I start to have feelings of no control and avoid going into places that sell them. I really, really love Easter Egg chocolate! This year, I am not going to feel guilty. I am still keeping a food diary and if I want one, I will have it and work it into my calories for the day. I know many of you reading disagree with counting calories but honestly it is the only thing that keeps me honest. If I was capable of eating only what my body thought it needed I would be 20 stone! 🙂

Foot is on the mend and I will be trying some walking tonight to see what it thinks. I have also done the “Real Age” test (thanks Oprah – again!) and my age isn’t too bad – 36.2. My actual age is 34.9. Something to work on!

Bordering on TMI…

Well, off to the Dr I went today to confess all my fears about my new and crazy menstrual cycle. TMI, yes. Oh well. This is a blog. My body has been doing random things over the past 4 months and it’s actually scaring me. So next week off to have some scans done along with some blood tests then off for some acupuncture and chinese medicine down the road with a woman who comes recommended.

I think the Dr was as worried as me – when your Dr says “Really? Wow! Hmmm…” it doesn’t make you feel reassured.

I beat her to the obvious though. “I know we are up against it – we are both old and fat.” Yes, she mused, so you are…but let’s not panic yet. Lose weight though. Now. Fast.

No problem, I said. I have never felt so determined and resigned in my life.

Struggle Street…

What a hard week this has been! I made it to Friday afternoon and got home to discover I had somehow fucked up big time on our budget a few weeks ago and now we are a LOT behind what we should be. Like a couple of $K. That must sound impossible to most people but when you’re married to someone who runs his own business and gets paid accordingly (ie: whenever people feel like it) it’s easy enough to do. That topped off the week and I found myself having a big cry. Lots of other things going on too but honestly, that topped it off.

There was a good side to fucking up. It meant that the husband and I had a chat about the way that we do things and lots of things at the core of our relationship. The husband is very laid back – one of the reasons I am attracted to him because it means I usually get my way (lol), but sometime that manifests into him being a bit on the lazy side and taking the backseat while I (in my usual manner) run at life like a bull at a gate. We looked at how we were managing our time and commitments and have shuffled things a bit to get them back on track.

In fitness news I have really hurt my ankle and foot and am hobbling a bit. I went out on Tuesday night and wore shoes I have owned for over a year now and never worn. They aren’t particularly high but the strain on my feet was too much. I’m not sure if it’s a weight thing or not but I will see what happens when I lose some. I have a feeling there is about 6 pairs of shoes that will be looking for a new home…all pretty brand new. So no walking for me until it heals. Not happy about that but looking after myself is the most important thing.

The other thing that is stressing me is the whole baby thing. I don’t want to go into details but it is weighing heavily on my mind and I am working hard on distracting myself from worrying!

Seriously unfit…

…but getting fitter!

Just went for a stumble around the block with the dog in addition to my 10,000 steps at work and I am shattered. Have noticed that my fitness is improving though. Even making it to 5km in one walk without wanting to die is going to kill me.

As usual this week at work has been crazy but I am sticking firm to some of my resolutions – getting up early, working like a dog while there and not bringing work home. I looked at my resolutions from last week and haven’t managed to fit most of them in, but honestly? A little ambitious. I am going to chill out and fit them in one at a time. 

At the moment I am going to keep up the walking, pilates, food and rise and sleep times for another week. BDS is being skimmed over again and Sunday will see a new day being worked on. Let’s see how we go with that…

Blame it on Ms Nourish!

I couldn’t get Ms Nourish’s walking goals out of my head! So, I am making my own…and I am very excited about it! At the moment I can walk 5km (just) without being completely shagged. 

  • Walking the 8km Mother’s Day Classic in the Domain, Sydney on May 9th.
  • I am going to walk the City 2 Surf on August 8th…all 14km of it.
  • Run (!!!) the 4km Family Fun Run (part of the Sydney Running Festival) over the Harbour Bridge on September 19th. I did this a few years ago and ran it in just under 30min – this time I want to beat that time.

So my training plan is this…

  • Get up to a 5km walk once a week by the end of February
  • 7.5km by the end of March
  • 10km by the end of April
  • 12.5km by the end of May
  • Start the couch to 5km running program in June while continuing the 12.5km walks
  • Couch to 5km and continues and walk up to 14km by the end of in July
  • Complete C2S at the beginning of August and concentrate on running for the rest of the month.
  • Running in preparation for the Sydney Running Festival

I can’t believe I have enthusiasm for this but I do! LOL!

The last time I exercised I was obsessed with doing it to lose weight. This time, I think it will contribute to weight loss very little. If it does, it does. But I think getting the food right is what will make the difference. I just want to be fit and not have my fitness level hold me back.

Thanks again, Ms Nourish!!!

Goals for this week…

  1. Clean up the office! (I’ve started and it’s whipping my arse already)
  2. 10,000 steps + per day
  3. Pilates twice
  4. Gym twice
  5. Swimming once
  6. Walk in the morning with the dog
  7. Up early and to bed early
  8. Only eat out once!
  9. Good food!
  10. More Beck Diet Solution!

So I finally got around to watching the rest of that episode of Oprah that I wrote about the other day (the putting yourself back on the list one) and there are four questions her and old Bob think you should ask yourself. Of course I have answered these type of questions before but I can’t express how much my weight loss and failures have affected me. I think about the emotions that have drowned me from time to time and feel so much sadness and pity for how hard I was on myself. Most of the lowest points of my life I have put down to being overweight – but now I realise that was just the easy and most obvious answer. At all of those low points the real issue was concern about where my life was heading, and would I ever find anyone to love me. Did I love myself? Not at all. And that’s what Oprah was discussing – it’s not a weight issue – it’s a love issue.

The questions are…

Why are you overweight?

I am overweight because from an early age I harboured a deep dislike of myself. At school – right from Kindergarten – I felt unable to make enough friends or be popular enough. I thought people didn’t like me and it must be for a reason but now I realise that I had as many friends as other people. I always thought I was ugly though. How does a child get that idea and live their life thinking it? That self-loathing has continued in the back of my mind, even though I am in a happy relationship now and happy in my life. I am in a much better place than I have ever been and eager to sweep out the closet of all bad memories and beliefs.

I am overweight at present because over the past 2 years or so I have slowly been sifting through a lot of mental stuff. I have struggled to be happy at times. I have questioned my relationships. At heart, I still feel like the unpopular girl and live a big part of my life accordingly.

What are you really hungry for?

Peace in my life. Time to myself. Acceptance from myself. An ordered life without clutter. Happiness. Fulfillment.

Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

Because I didn’t make healthy eating and exercising part of my everyday life. I was obsessive and spent a lot of hours in the gym and didn’t squeeze in exercise as part of my normal day. I denied myself food that I needed and cracked under the pressure. I tried to ignore the bad feelings I had, the relationships I wasn’t happy in, the feelings of unhappiness and ate my way through it. Food made me feel good when nothing else could.

Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight for health reasons. I know – I accept, finally – that it won’t solve all the problems in my life. But it will make me happier to be able to walk a long way and not want to die. It will mean I have more energy. It will get rid of the pain in a lot of my body. And I will be able to wear clothes I want to, not just ones that fit! A dream shared by one of my favourite internet people! Go read Ms Nourish here…I had a little cry as I read it.