…I must be on Depressed Drive now!

RIGHT! Trying to snap out of it! Let’s make a list of things that are going right!

  1. Have had a great food week so far!
  2. Much to my surprise the husband is on board and tracking food on Calorie King with me! He has finally had enough of being overweight too (he put weight on after our wedding too) and is on the bandwagon for the first time ever. I am pleased I am not doing this alone.
  3. I am seeing lots of friends this weekend for my birthday including one of my best friends from England.
  4. The husband gave me a GREAT birthday present last night – took me to see Tex Perkins in the Johnny Cash tribute show at the Opera House. I had no idea it was on and it was a lovely surprise.

So why the fuck am I depressed?

I am not permanent in the job am I in and there is a very good chance a position will become available at the beginning to mid term 2.  My Head Teacher actually said to me “Bee…I am telling you one thing. Don’t get pregnant. Not yet.” Now, I haven’t even mentioned that we are trying right now but she knows why I want a permanent job. I thought about what she said and decided (with a heavy heart) that all baby making efforts should be put on the back-burner, even for just this month. And then I got sad. And I watched my chart tell me that these are the days most likely to conceive and just at the last minute, I lost it. Told the husband that I thought this was a mistake and I was not happy putting it off and I wanted to just keep on trying. Whatever happens at school happens. If I get a fucking job I get one. If not – *shrug*

So I feel happier now but still anxious. I have an appointment with a herbalist tomorrow and I know I am going to walk in there and the tears will flow. I am still scared about having the blood taken too and have been putting it off. I want to take control of the situation and go and talk to the clinic that will be taking it about some concerns I have but at the moment don’t feel able to do this. My blood test phobia is working overtime and making me lose sleep. I also feel angry at myself for not listening to my gut instinct about putting off trying for the sake of work. 

Live and learn, hey?

I can’t tell you how worried I am that I am going to have problems getting pregnant.

Edited to add: By the above sentence, I mean serious problems, like the only way I’ll get pregnant is to try IVF problems. My Dr has already confirmed that she thinks something is going on. I just don’t want to go into the gory details here.

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