Bloody hell.

I have not had the easiest 24 hours.

Watched Ruby last night (I am such a sucker for that show even though it tries to be mock dramatic and it doesn’t work) and was really touched by something she said. She is now under 350 pounds (which she has never been in her adult life) and was struggling with it. Was having trouble letting go of the dresses she wore when she was at 700 pounds and not as happy with the weight loss as she imagined she would be. Her shrink and her spoke about how she was struggling to let go of the “Old” Ruby. And it made me realise I struggled in the past and right now as well to let go of the “old” Bee and how in a lot of ways I don’t want to.

What I love about the overweight Bee is this – I am invisible to most people, men in particular. No one is going to be turning around to stare at me or make comments. I am a non-entity in their eyes and that is the way I like it! I have never been comfortable with myself and it is easier to walk through life and not have anyone give me a second look. I am not that overweight that people stare either. Just…a normal fat person.

The other thing that I love about being overweight is I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to consider if I will put on weight. I can try everything, as much of is as I want. Food has also offered me comfort for years and I am scared to not have that comfort anymore. Yes…I do realise that sounds mental. 

I am reluctant to let either of these things go – I just hadn’t realised it before. It will be letting go of a part of me that’s been around for as long as I can remember. In fact today I wondered if I could let it go at all! It would be so much easier to stay overweight.

Today’s other shitty moment was going to something I have been looking forward to for ages – a class to learnt to crochet. It was terrible. The teacher wasn’t great, not explaining the language used or giving basic instructions, but worst of all was my attitude to it. I find it incredibly hard to learn new things. I have this neon light flashing in my head that blinks “I can’t! I’m dumb! I can’t! I’m dumb!” It drowns out my concentration and I want to cry. I get defensive and angry and my brain won’t let in any new info. I have always been like it when it comes to things I’m not a natural at – a lifetime of thinking I was an idiot. I really tried today though – keep thinking “everyone learns at their own pace” and remembering that some of these people weren’t beginners, or could sew and knit before this. The woman who ran the shop said unless you have the dexterity for this sort of work it IS hard starting. I really really REALLY want to be able to crochet. I have for years. So I am going to stick at it and accept that learning something new is HARD and I am exercising a part of my brain that isn’t natural for me to use.

Life is really fucking hard, you know? Lol…