So I finally got around to watching the rest of that episode of Oprah that I wrote about the other day (the putting yourself back on the list one) and there are four questions her and old Bob think you should ask yourself. Of course I have answered these type of questions before but I can’t express how much my weight loss and failures have affected me. I think about the emotions that have drowned me from time to time and feel so much sadness and pity for how hard I was on myself. Most of the lowest points of my life I have put down to being overweight – but now I realise that was just the easy and most obvious answer. At all of those low points the real issue was concern about where my life was heading, and would I ever find anyone to love me. Did I love myself? Not at all. And that’s what Oprah was discussing – it’s not a weight issue – it’s a love issue.

The questions are…

Why are you overweight?

I am overweight because from an early age I harboured a deep dislike of myself. At school – right from Kindergarten – I felt unable to make enough friends or be popular enough. I thought people didn’t like me and it must be for a reason but now I realise that I had as many friends as other people. I always thought I was ugly though. How does a child get that idea and live their life thinking it? That self-loathing has continued in the back of my mind, even though I am in a happy relationship now and happy in my life. I am in a much better place than I have ever been and eager to sweep out the closet of all bad memories and beliefs.

I am overweight at present because over the past 2 years or so I have slowly been sifting through a lot of mental stuff. I have struggled to be happy at times. I have questioned my relationships. At heart, I still feel like the unpopular girl and live a big part of my life accordingly.

What are you really hungry for?

Peace in my life. Time to myself. Acceptance from myself. An ordered life without clutter. Happiness. Fulfillment.

Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

Because I didn’t make healthy eating and exercising part of my everyday life. I was obsessive and spent a lot of hours in the gym and didn’t squeeze in exercise as part of my normal day. I denied myself food that I needed and cracked under the pressure. I tried to ignore the bad feelings I had, the relationships I wasn’t happy in, the feelings of unhappiness and ate my way through it. Food made me feel good when nothing else could.

Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to lose weight for health reasons. I know – I accept, finally – that it won’t solve all the problems in my life. But it will make me happier to be able to walk a long way and not want to die. It will mean I have more energy. It will get rid of the pain in a lot of my body. And I will be able to wear clothes I want to, not just ones that fit! A dream shared by one of my favourite internet people! Go read Ms Nourish here…I had a little cry as I read it.

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