So says Oprah in a show I taped the other day and watched tonight. And I know this is boring for everyone playing along at home but shit this really resonates with me. Putting on weight isn’t about wanting or needing food – it’s about not putting yourself first at any point in your day and not loving yourself enough. And that, dear reader, is me. Has been me. I am changing that. But tonight I sat in the lounge after my first day back at work and thought “I have been so tough on myself. And my mind and body have kept trundling along and I have made it this far. But I am not willing to continue putting myself second to every other thing that squeaks for attention.”

For a long time there, I hated myself. My mind keeps going back to the weeks after I got married and the bitterness I felt that I had not lost all the weight I wanted to for my wedding. I punished myself with food. Instead of embracing my 87kg self and congratulating my efforts to lose about 17kgs, I pushed and shoved food into it with loathing and hate. I told myself that I was enjoying the food I was eating but the feelings it left me with reminded me how much I hated myself. That was one of the few times I seriously binged. When I came home from my honeymoon I was entering a really stressful time of my life at uni and did not allow any time for myself to exercise or plan food. I ate whatever I came across and dedicated all my time to getting through my course.

Since graduating and starting this job, the stress has continued as has putting my own needs on the back-burner. It takes time and effort to lose weight and this job combined with my own lack of organisation skills doesn’t allow me much time. That is something which must change…and so far I am doing pretty well in a week that has already proved  crazy. I have got up at 6.45am two days and this morning at 6am. Said no to people. Put my friends first. And today I am going to spend the day in my other faculty to work hard all day so I can not be running around next week like a blue arsed fly.

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