I feel such a great sense of relief blogging about the friend fuck-up. It’s not the first time it’s happened to me and it’s reassuring to hear that others have had the same experience. I lost my two best friends when I went overseas as a result of 2 separate fights – one I reconnected with earlier this year and we came to the conclusion that the shit we were both going through was too intense and we couldn’t handle being around people who knew us too well. It was a terrible time in my life and I pushed everyone away – the sympathy and care made me unsure that I was strong enough to make it through. The other friend however really fucked me over – and after having years to reflect on it from time to time, I now have a clearer belief that there was nothing I could have done.

Something Kada wrote made me think…”They probably feel very threatened by you.” This I think is true. I do have a very full-on personality, and both the girls (can’t call them women!) have similar personalities, with one big difference. I do not shy away from the truth. It can be right there, and even if it’s hard I can look it in the eye. That, I think, is the key to some of my friendships ending over the years. When someone does something shitty, I point it out. Not in a mean or bitchy way, more in a matter-of-fact way. I can’t let things slide. And that may not always be convenient or comfortable, but it is me and there’s nothing I can, or want to do about that.  

Do you know how long it’s taken me to get to this point? Years. Years of pain and insecurity and tears and doubt. And I won’t go back there for anyone.

Today, unbelievably, I got back into the BDS with a bang. I didn’t feel miserable, I didn’t think about food all day. I didn’t eat any shit that floated by. I followed my eating plan – hell, I even MADE one this morning! I dug out the reasons I want to lose weight and read them (they haven’t seen the light of day in weeks). I planned what to eat tomorrow. I feel back in control.

And all because in my mind I let go of situations and people I can’t change…

Am going to read Chapters 19 – 22 again in BDS.

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