I have had a hard time for the past couple of days – no weeks, actually. I have been struggling on through but last night I had a moment of clarity and have woken up this morning knowing that I owe it to myself to move through and on.

The situation that has got me down has involved two friends of mine. Although they aren’t connected in any way, I feel incredibly let down however after much reflection can only conclude that both of them have problems that don’t involve me. In the first situation I can honestly say that I really regretted that the friendship is over…but more than that, I felt pissed off that it was. It started when I was really hurt and overreacted to a comment made by this friend, then offered a full explanation outlining why I was so hurt. That involved me dropping my guard (not something that common) and confessing all my fears and insecurities. What response do I get? None. Dumped as a friend on Facebook, blocked from her blog – incredible. Doesn’t a heartfelt apology and an explanation account for anything? And I also think – is that all it takes? All the support I gave, all the advice I gave, the hours I worried about this woman and thinking of solutions to her problems, the time I took to care, and one bordering-on-bitchy episode can make her throw that all away? She invited me to her wedding not a month ago! Why invite someone to your wedding if you are willing to throw them aside so casually? I keep thinking what I would do if I was in the same situation, and a comment I made was taken the wrong way…I would be so mortified that I had hurt someone I would be straight on the phone. I have no problem admitting when I am in the wrong or apologising when I have unintentionally hurt someone.

Second situation – ‘M’, a woman I work with who I have developed a (mostly one-sided) friendship with since I began working there. She has problems and because I am compassionate and have a talent of solving problems she has often turned to me to listen to her. For hours and hours I have listened. I have given advice. Again, I have cared. I have looked after her son (she is a single mother with a fairly absent father) so she could take a short term contract job outside school because she is desperate for money. I drove 120km over 4 weeks and gave up 24 hours of my life looking after her child so she could take that job.

I told ‘M’ something that was bothering me at work in confidence. I pointed that out – IN. CONFIDENCE.  She promised. I needed to bounce the idea off someone who had been in the school longer than me, teaching longer than me. Then, less than 10 minutes later she marches into the staff room and tells the people it concerned. They go off. Ok, you know what – I can handle the fact that she told them and got me into trouble. It’s my own fault for trusting her (should have recognised that she wasn’t really a friend) and if she would have said “You know what? I fucked up. I’m real sorry.” I would have got over it. But instead, she tells me all I am concerned about it popularity and what people think of me. She made a judgement call to tell those people and it’s her business. If I don’t want to be her friend anymore she understands, but she doesn’t want to lose me. And then – THEN! She spends the next 2 weeks ignoring me! Refuses to look at me, won’t talk, the works. The woman’s 40. She too has decided to throw aside the friendship and I have done nothing to her. I have supported her. She let me down.

Look, I know this reads really bitchy and needy and I am sure I am going to get some nasty comments. Some of you are sure to be thinking I should have moved on weeks ago or that writing about it is inappropriate. *shrug* The thing is, I don’t deserve it. I caught myself lamenting on both situations and thought “Bloody hell, this is not your problem!” Is my self-esteem so low that I care what these people think of me? Yes, a bit. But I am determined to not let it be something I care about anymore.

There are so many people in my life that care about me and love me. I have had arguments with them, sure, but we have never been so unforgiving. And these are the people I want to spend my time with. I have friends I haven’t spoken to in months…and that has to change.

The pain I have felt concerning these two situations has effected every aspect of my life, even my BDS work! That’s not on….I’m moving on.