I’ve been having a quiet crisis this week and I’ve been in denial about it. Day 17 was all about ending overeating by doing an exercise where you leave something on your plate. And I could not – would not – do it. I have been doing pretty well with keeping the food diary and couldn’t see the point of doing this exercise at home when I had counted the calories into my day. I have been pretty precise (for want of a better word, oh I don’t know, like obsessed!) when filling in my food diary and after all the effort I had been to I just didn’t want to leave any food behind! I would be under my calories for the day then! And I had worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get it right! No, I decided I would have to do this exercise when I went out to dinner, because I didn’t count the calories then anyway.

Of course, what was really going on here in the back of my mind was I just plain didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t fair that I had to do this! I like food! I was already sacrificing so much! I had already put in so much effort! And so I went out to dinner more than once and didn’t do it. Japanese is so expensive! I don’t want to! And so it went, on and on…

I was troubled that I couldn’t do this and pissed off that I was expected to. I couldn’t progress through the BDS without doing it – I knew it was something that was important. I knew I was on the cusp of discovering something very telling about myself. In the meantime, bad food and habits started to sneak back into my day. Instead of practicing Day 16’s NO CHOICE I was eating a little square of Toblerone here, pouring a glass of wine there. I wasn’t planning my food at the beginning of each morning and there was no reasonable excuse why. I always know if we are going out to dinner that night, and I still should be writing what I will plan to eat. Being vegetarian, there isn’t usually that much variation in what I order. I was not planning my food so as I ate that square of Toblerone or drank that wine I could say “Well, it’s not NOT on my plan!”

So on Friday night I finally hardened up and did it. We went out for Indian, and I left half a precious roti on my plate and only drank half my beer. I kind of cheated because it the roti was a bit cold but I still did it. I will have to practice it again. Was it as bad as I thought it would be? Unbelievably, kind of! I hated it! I am pathetic, I know, but I knew when I felt that shitty about it that there was definitely something else coming up. I came home and read through the next few days of the BDS…

Day 18: Change Your Definition of Full

And here is why Intuitive Eating will never work for me – my idea of how much I should eat to feel comfortable has never been developed properly. I have overeaten since I was 7 years old and I really loved the feeling of being really full. If I didn’t feel that I felt hard done by. I should be able to eat whatever the fuck I wanted to! (The common theme in my life starts to emerge) However, I have done really well with this over the past 2 months or so (since before starting the BDS). After reading the Gabriel Method I started listening to what my body was telling me but I still couldn’t follow through and only eat as much as I needed – I just didn’t know what that was, and even on the occasions that I did, I could easily talk myself into eating more. The biggest problem I had was overeating when we went out to restaurants but together the husband and I have worked hard to overcome that, ordering less food each time we went. The test for if you have eaten too much according the Beck is asking yourself “Could I easily go for a moderate to brisk walk?” immediately after eating. I can safely say now that the answer to that is yes. On the occasions where I have eaten a little too much I do not feel happy at all!

Have to go and do some marking so more later…

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