I had heard fantastic things about this book from a friend on a “gated internet community” I belong to (LOL) and so being interested in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I ordered it.  I just started reading it yesterday and already I can see that it’s going to be incredibly beneficial to me. I have done a course on CBT years ago and it made such a difference to my happiness – and I know it’s the head stuff that has stopped me sticking to a diet and panicking when I get to a certain weight and eating to put the weight back on. ‘S’ (my dietician) said to me last week “You know what to do. The reason you have trouble is not your knowledge or your technique, it’s your beliefs.” She is, as usual, right.

This time, everything has fallen into place. I can’t even say I am determined to do it – it’s now just fact to me. I will do it. I will not give up.

So, day one of the Beck Diet Solution… I have to make a list of reasons I want to lose weight. I did make a list a few weeks ago here but have added a few reasons and edited them to be positive in tone. 

Reasons I want to lose weight

1) I won’t feel ugly, sad and embarrassed when I see photos of myself.

2) I won’t look terrible. No matter how much effort I go to, I still look like someone I barely recognise. My body looks like it’s been draped with lard.

3) It won’t be hard to exercise. I find it hard walking even small distances and will do anything to avoid it. I find it hard walking up stairs. I can’t run without my body hurting and me being aware of how terrible I look.

4) I will be able to dress the way I want to. I am limited by being a size 20 because it’s very hard to buy decent clothes when you are overweight.

5) I will not feel pain in my knees, back, ankles and feet. The pain I feel is from being overweight. It will not get any better until I lose weight.

6) I will be better off financially. I have an entire wardrobe of clothes I love and want to wear. Clothes that I wore once and I felt fantastic in. One-off vintage pieces that I love.I don’t want to try and replace them or sell them off – I want to be able to wear them.

7) I will no longer avoid any type of intimacy (I’m talking right at a basic level here – am even avoiding hugging!) with the husband because I am ashamed of what my body looks like.

8 ) I will feel my age instead of some middle aged sexless androgynous non-entity. Finally.

9) I will have a waist. My waist has disappeared and when the husband puts his hands on my waist now I feel embarrassed that all he is feeling is rolls of fat.

10) I will have more energy.

11) I won’t tire as easily.

12) I will not have the health problems associated with being obese and pregnant. I can’t image the strain of lugging around even 1 kilo more!

13) I won’t be embarrassed.

14) I will have a normal relationship with food.

15) When I have children I will be a positive role model. Wait – firstly, I will have energy to be a mother!

The book also asks you to commit to reading the reasons twice a day (at least). I commit to reading this list as soon as I wake up (to have it fresh in my mind when I face the day) and as soon as I get home (while I’m sitting out the back relaxing for 30 minutes before getting on with everything else I need to do) I will also have a copy in my bag at school in case I need it around lunch time. It’s a full A4 page so I am not carrying it in my purse to rip out and read in front of the idiots I work with! 🙂

I had a funny realisation when writing to a friend a moment ago about the reasons I eat…had to record it here.

“I too have no deep dark reasons why I eat – I did, but they are all worked through. They will probably resurface when I am in the mid 80kg range but until then I am sweet. I really had to think about the reasons I eat…some of them are

* I deserve it! Why the fuck shouldn’t I eat something if I want it!?
* I love food!
* I hate being told what to do.
* I am defiant.
* It’s none of your business what I eat!
* I eat and behave exactly how I want to and you just all wish you did what I did.
* I refuse to conform to society’s expectations

SHIT! I had no idea all that was going to come out! LOL! That’s honestly how I feel…and where has it got me? To 112kg and health problems.”

Bring on day 2!