So I have had a very good week since last seeing the Dietician (‘S’). I have tracked my food most days and the days I haven’t bothered is the days I have been out for dinner. And how careful have I been on those days! Only eaten just enough to get me by until I go out because I don’t want to go too far over my calories for the day and make the whole week a no weight loss write-off! I have thought before I ate, and made sure I am eating enough protein (bowl of tamarind lentils for afternoon tea anyone?)

First blinding moment came when I had an appointment with S yesterday to get weighed for the first time in about 6 months. She said “What were you last time you weighed yourself?” and I said “108kg…I think I’d be about 111kg now.” But no…I was deluding myself! I was…are you ready? Sitting down?

112.7kg.

I wasn’t shocked as such…I knew I had put on weight because I have gone up a dress size (into a true fat-lady size 20). But man – 112.7kg? That is my fattest ever weight. Ever. Even in all those years binge eating whilst living in the UK (coke and cheezy wotist waffels for breakfast, pasta and cheese with a deep fried quorn fillet for lunch) I can’t believe I am that fat on one hand, but on the other hand, why wouldn’t I be? I don’t exercise at all. I get the bus to work most days because I am running late – it’s 1.2km up the road. I don’t even walk my dog that often (don’t worry, the husband does) and when I do, I drive to the park and let her run around while I stand there. The only reason I’m not bigger is I stand up at work all day and walk around there a lot. My incidental exercise is virtually zero. I don’t go to the gym anymore, I don’t swim – why wouldn’t I be 112.7kg?

Yesterday I did go to the gym. I could only do 25 minutes before I felt like I was going to pass out. My fitness has gone – but it will return. I haven’t felt this determined in absolutely years!

Second blinding moment was when S and I were talking about the gym and she said that the most important thing about losing and maintaining weight loss was working habits into your life – forever. “You need to work out when you can manage to go to the gym and accept that that time is your gym time. It must be an appointment you keep with yourself. It must be part of your schedule. Nothing can compromise that.” And I don’t know why, but that made me realise in my heart (as opposed to just my head) that shit…this is a life changing, permanent arrangement. I can’t go gangbusters on the gym then give up. This is for life. And I know that sounds dumb – like, who wouldn’t realise that? But I didn’t. When I came back from my honeymoon, I didn’t think “Shit, packed on a few kilos on the honeymoon, better get to the gym and start tracking food again for a while!” I just thought “I am a failure” and kept eating.

Everything feels like it has clicked. It doesn’t matter how much you “know” what you have to do – if you don’t feel it as well you are screwed. I feel it now. I get it. I will reach my goal weight and stay there. I will never weigh this much again.

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