Sad, overwhelmed and exhausted is how I feel at the moment…a proper sad fat girl. I can’t seem to snap out of it, and I know you must be all sick of reading about it – because trust me, I’m sick of writing about it which is why you haven’t seen me blogging here too much of late. School finishes this Friday and I have plans for the holidays…

  1. Get back on track with the Gabriel Method, including getting the visualisation pics sorted. I have to give this a red hot go.
  2. NOT spend all day on facebook, on-line newspapers, bejewled blitz, blogs or anything else interweb related – too many hours of my life have slipped by this way! I’m restricting myself to some time in the morning and in the night.
  3. Get rid of all the junk I have! So many times I have started this process but not finished it. And it’s getting me down. I have boxes of crap, heaps of stuff to eBay, notes from uni to chuck, books I don’t want, videos to go through and chuck – too much shit! I want to have everything in a place and nothing I don’t use! I can’t bear the clutter anymore!
  4. Spend some time on me. ME! Not 175 teenage boys! I want to get a haircut, get my legs waxed, go for a massage, read some books, walk my dog, go to the gym, go see some movies and relax!
  5. Re-connect with my poor long suffering husband. I feel terrible for him – I never get to spend any time with him and sometimes it feels like we are leading separate lives.
  6. Establish a routine for basic chores and tasks like cleaning and grocery shopping.

Next term will be better – it’s been the pressure of teaching my first Year 12 class and at the end of this week all the new stuff is done and it’s revision for term 3. I have already noticed the difference teaching a Year 11 class for the second time – so much easier!

I have had a few “fat wake up calls” over the past few weeks. I fell down some steps at school and was forced to go and see a physio for my back. I have been going to a chiro for years and swore by him, but at $80 a pop and no health insurance (I know, I know…I just got some so back off! 😛 ) the cost was killing us. I visited the physio up the road for a sore neck a while ago and he was fantastic. When I was getting up off the bed once I winced and he questioned me about it. I told him I was seeing a chiro and he rolled his eyes and said “Come and see me next time and you won’t regret it.” Anyway he was right. Now I have seen him three times and the pain in my back is almost gone. I curse the money and effort I poured into my chiro!

Why did I start telling you this? Oh yeah – fat moment! He is about a head shorter than me and must weigh 60kg wringing wet. And now he is working on my back and I am standing there in my 110kg stripped-to-undies glory I feel really self conscious. Especially when he has to move my legs around and all the lard is making them stick together! I really hate hate hate being fat.

I also have been really struggling with the idea of motherhood lately – I’m not very interested in babies but like small children. I wish I loved babies but I couldn’t care either way. Is this a sure sign I shouldn’t go there? I know I want a family but with a husband who doesn’t care either way (that’s him for 99% of things though!) I feel like it’s all down to me. I can’t change the bloke – he is who he is – and if he didn’t want a child he would say so (just like he said no to the 2nd dog! boo hoo!). I am 35 in February and next year has to be the year we start trying. I am terrified I won’t be able to get pregnant. Absolutely terrified. I have been reading all about charts and tracking temps and a heap of other stuff and will start doing that soon just in case it goes to shit and I have to see a fertility person – at least I’ll have some info on my cycle. I am also going to see a Chinese herbalist to see what she thinks. I know, I know…I’m over-reacting. But I cannot tell you how apprehensive I feel. Some of my readers (SOULMUMMA and KATE!! 🙂 ) will be thrilled that I am even this far down the child-path, but for me, it’s making me lose sleep.

I have just read this  and know I have to lose the weight. And I did an on-line diabetes risk tast and I am at the upper end of the intermediate risk range. Crap.

Must. Lose. Weight.