Warm crap on a stick! What a limp fuck of a day I have had! I could almost gag with boredom and depression!

Went on a 9 – 5pm grammar course for school. I seem to have missed the boat education wise when it comes to grammar and it’s always something I worry about, especially given that I teach at a school with lots of NESB students. I tried to walk in there with an open mind instead of the usual panic-stricken I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T flashing in my brain, but after 10 minutes I was close to tears. I am such a bad learner! 😦

I have always felt dumb you know, and although technically I know I’m not (given my uni results in my Masters, BA, Diploma and Grad Dip) I still struggle with it. It affects my ability to open my mind and learn. It has taken me a long time to appreciate what skills I have and what I’m good at. Right back in infants school I struggled to have confidence in my ability. I didn’t study for the HSC and bumbled my way through my first degree. When I managed to get into USYD as a mature age student to study English Literature based on my Uni results from my first degree I was in shock and thought these idiots have made a terrible mistake!  

My life as a learner started to change when I was lining up in the Arts office before Uni started and saw a poster spelling out what you had to do to get a Merit in your degree. A distinction average. I don’t know what possessed me, but I resolved there and then to get it. I, with no academic confidence and (so I thought) no skill. I worked my arse off for the first time ever and got it. I remember sitting in the Great Hall and looking at the my degree as the tears trickled down my cheeks. I did it.

look

Of course, great feelings and moments of realisation don’t last – but today, I really should have reminded myself of my intelligence. I woke up dreading the day and tried to convince myself it’d be ok. Nothing here I wanted to eat for breakfast (not organised – not good) so forced down some porridge and got on the bus. 10 minutes into the course I was nearly in tears. It was so far above my head that they might as well have been talking French! The people around me looked like they understood it. Morning tea came, and with no snacks in my bag and an insatiable urge to make myself feel better I purchased a home made muffin and hot chocolate. No Omega 3 and not enough water before lunch and my body is noticing it. I buy ricotta and spinach lasagna for lunch and a big chocolate chip cookie. I felt like I needed that food – the old fall back of food supporting me when I feel emotional and sad and dumb and worthless. 

I manage to get through the rest of the course and laugh on the way to the bus stop with some of the other people who attended – none of understood more than 20% of it.  Stopped off on the way home and bought spinach, bananas and an avocado. Made myself a great dinner and had a big tumbler of water. And now I am off to relax and unwind and get ready for tomorrow’s classes. I will handle this situation differently next time.

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