First day back at work today, and all the old feelings on inadequacy, no control and obsession with food engulf me. God, I wish I had another 2 weeks of holidays to really nail this new way of eating and thinking!

I woke up at about 7.30am and really wanted to go back to sleep. Got up and put my new work pants on (still a size 20, but feeling a lot different) and was already worrying about what I was going to eat at work. Came and did something really stupid – weighed myself! That’s right, the scales are still in the house – I couldn’t find the receipt anywhere on Saturday and so I unpacked them, found some batteries and stood on them. 107.7kg. About the same. I was pissed off at myself! This is ridiculous! Why the fuck am I standing on scales? Packed them back up – furious and uphappy and depressed- and swilled the two glasses of water before getting my piece of sprouted wheat bread in the toaster and making my elaborate smoothie.

Then…I started to calm down. If I could be bothered making the elaborate smoothie I could get control of my mind space. 

Elaborate smoothie

  • 1 banana
  • 1 cup Vitasoy light original milk
  • 30 grams home-made-just-before-you-throw-it-in LSA (don’t worry, the 30gr [and all following weights]is approximate, no weighing!)
  • 10 ml flaxseed oil
  • 20 gr of Soy Protein Powder

I also spread my toast with avocado and a bit of cheese and grilled it. Then I realised – it takes a long time to chew chew chew this toast and drink this huge fucker of a smoothie. And I had to leave for school! I ended up wrapping the toast up and taking it with me. In the past I would have shovelled it in and not listened to my body telling me to slow down!

I walked to school in my new trousers and felt pretty good…I feel a lot thinner wearing them. I have tried to visualise myself at my ideal weight and while it is hard, I have been working at it. So I was powering along, listening to Mental As Anything on my iPod and feeling like I had so much energy and like nothing could stop me. I was glad school was going back and looking forward to teaching this term.

Then I got to school and the bitching and whinging and arguing and stress hit me like a tonne of bricks as I walked in the door. Sat through a 2 hour meaningless presentation about student engagement which none of us were engaged in and hit the staff room for recess. The usual first day back food was thrown at us. I normally throw myself right back at it and we meet in a mid-air lardy confrontation but compared to how I normally eat I think I did very well. I had a chocolate croissant which I didn’t really enjoy – and that’s what started the downhill tumble…however! I didn’t tumble as fast and hard as I would have a week or so ago! I managed to clutch on to some grass and dirt and slow the descent. I pulled up about half way down the hill. But before I came to a stop I had managed to eat a slice of cake (really felt like that and enjoyed it) and also 3 chocolates.

Yes – that’s all I ate that was “bad”! At the time I was convinced that I had had a really bad eating day! It wasn’t that bad at all! How fucked up is my perception?

*blink*

When I was walking home I couldn’t believe how different I felt to when I was walking to school. I felt full of food I didn’t want and really fat and unfit. I felt sluggish and all I could think about was eating. Even though I was not hungry at all, that’s what I wanted to do – eat eat eat. It really showed me just how much impact eating a few things I had no interest in eating can have on me.

I have ended today feeling flat and uninspired. I have done no work for school tomorrow and have spent no time with my husband tonight. I have to keep chipping away at the big pile of rocks that is weighing me down. Tomorrow I am going to get up at 6.30am and have a relaxed breakfast and pack some lunch. I am going to read the shitting section of the play I have to teach tomorrow first period and try and make some sense out of it. I will listen to the CD before I go to bed and fuck it I will be happy! LOL!

Sorry this is all over the place but so is my head…

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