Surely I can’t have more to say after yesterday’s mammoth spew! Indeed I do! 

When I found myself at 108kg, part of me felt relief. I didn’t have to worry anymore. I didn’t have to wait to fail, I had already done it. Relief on one hand, misery on the other. Oh, trust me, I was miserable. Because I was miserable everything was suffering: my work, my marriage, my friendships. I knew that feeling this way was not ‘right’. I lived like this for a good 6 months or so – swinging between vowing to pull myself together and start tracking on Calorie King, and eating all the wrong types of food. Processed crap. Nutrition-free garbage.  

Then something strange happened. I stopped eating. I would have a piece of toast for breakfast, or a horrible processed big chocolate muffin from the shop, then…nothing till dinner. Diet coke – sure! No water – absolutely! But I was not hungry at all. And I was so sick of trying to force myself to do something I didn’t want to that I just went with it.

In the end my misery got the better of me, and I saw a recommendation for a dietician in GI Newsand felt like this was the last chance I had – either this worked, or I accepted I was obese and dealt with all the health issues that go along with it. When I went to see S (the dietician) the first time, I was having a big cry and feeling terrible. She could see how starved I was of nutrients – almost no protein per day, carb and sugar freak, no good fats. The first step was to start eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with some snacks thrown in. I had to work at losing the “all or nothing” attitude too. Christ, that was hard! As soon as she started talking about healthy snacks I was saying “Oh, I have this recipe for-” and she cut me off! “NO! You can’t bake anything! For the time being you have to do what is easiest! 

So I tried. I had snacks at work I didn’t have to think about (nut bars and vita weats) and worked very hard at eating a balanced diet. I worked hard also at accepting the size I was and went and bought clothes that fit me, not caring that they were size 20 or 22. I wanted some peace in my life. There was still too much junk food in my diet and I fell off the rails every now and then. Did I lose weight? Nope. I didn’t know what was holding me back…I kept trying to go all hard core and start tracking again (against S’s advice) I was frustrated and angry. I wanted to lose weight! I wanted to be thin!

And then I realised – I was really scared of being thin. I couldn’t handle it.

I had heard of The Gabriel Methodand dismissed it because I assumed it was too new age bollocks for me. But then I had a good look around the website and after some encouragement from S, went to Dymocks and paid my $29.95. I began reading, and felt that this book was articulating what it is that goes to the heart of why I can’t lose weight and keep it off. The following is just two little bits that made me pause and think fuckkkkkkkkkk

If you’re constantly forcing yourself to eat less or denying yourself the foods that you’re craving, then you’re also causing your body to think that food is limited, that you are living in a time of famine, or both. Dieting is the act of forcibly trying to control either the quantity or quality of what you are eating. Any type of dieting is a form of starvation. This type of starvation can make your body think it needs to carry around extra fat…  

You may not be aware of it consciously, but at some level you have made the association that being fat makes you feel safer, or that it is in some way serving an emotional need…In this case, your body is protecting you; it is making you feel safer emotionally.

Extracts from The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel

And when I read this part I had to put the book down and have a little cry.

Ask yourself a simple question: “Do I feel safe being thin?: If the answer is no, then there’s still a problem.  Can you imagine yourself being thin? If not, you are not quite there yet, but don’t worry. I will help you work on getting there…If someone comments on how great you look and how think you’re getting, does that make you feel happy or threatened? If it makes you feel uncomfortable in the slightest, that is a sign. 

Extract from The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel

An interesting article here if you are interested…

I am really blown away by this book. It is like intuitive eating and common sense mixed with methods to help you change your thinking and beliefs. I really believe it is possible to change your beliefs and thinking – years ago I did a short course on cognitive behavioural therapy with Sarah Edelman and it helped me tremendously. I know there are sceptics out there and that’s fair enough, but I am going to try the techniques in this book and see what happens. I am still keeping a food diary for S (not on Calorie King – I don’t want to know the  calories!) but it is not affecting the decisions I make about what I eat.

I am listening to my body for the first time in years. And it feels great.