Most of you who have read my old blogs know my long and arduous history of dieting. So look away now! I have realised that I have been yo-yo dieting for years – this never occurred to me before, incredibly! It’s not wonder I had reached the point I did.

It all began when I was 15 and in Year 10…

  • 1990: 72kg. I decide that I am hideously overweight because I had read in some magazine that I should weigh 60 – 65kg. I buy a pair of mid smoke blue culottes from Sportgirl that are a size 12 and don’t fit – I am determined that these hideous culottes are the symbol of success. They cost $59.95.
  • 1991: I go on my first diet – the Hip and Thigh Diet. 6grams of fat a day, from memory! Lord! I spend 2 years going on and off that diet. I also visit the gym a lot. I weighed about 73kg.
  • 1993: Leave home and move to Sydney for Uni. Put on a shitload of weight as I am forced to cook for myself for the first time. I walk around Coles having no idea what to buy. “Will I eat a whole capsicum in a week?” I ponder. Start eating – a lot. Am printing off a large neg one day and laugh at how fat a girl is in the front row of the photo. I hated that girl. “Who the fuck would wear a pair of shorts like that when you’re the size of a house?” I smirk. Print the photo. I am mistaken. That fat girl is me. Die on the inside. Keep eating.
  • 1994: Join Weight Watchers for the first time weighing somewhere in the late 80’s. Cycle to and from the meeting. Tell no-one I’m going – not even my live in boyfriend. Lose 17.5kgs but it all feels meaningless. Feel no thinner than when I started.  Through it in because I think I can do it alone. Pile all the weight back on.
  • 1995: Join WW again. Lose weight. Pile it all back on again.
  • 1996: Start my first miserable job. I hate it. They hate me. I eat a family size block of chocolate every day at 10am, locked in my darkroom plus a heap of other stuff. Put on heaps of weight. I stay there for 2 years. Join WW again – third time.
  • 1998: New job, heart broken big time by strange young man with large German eagle tattoo on his back. Pile on weight. Join WW twice this year. Lose some, gain more.
  • 1999: Meet the love of my life (*snigger*) and join WW again (I’m not joking now! But I am laughing!) Weight goes up and down.
  • 2000 – 2003: Move to the UK for a while to get away from the above love of my life and mend my wounded heart. Pile on a shitload of weight before I fly out (overnight job for the Olympics with an all-you-can-eat kitchen does not help – was eating 2 packets on mint slice biscuits per night!) The London spread hits, and I climb up the 90’s towards the 100kg mark. See what you can do if you put your mind to it? Join Slimming World – twice. See a Naturopath who smiles and tells me to relax x x x x . Cry and decide it’s my fate to be fat. Cry and decide that’s not possible. Start to see a dietician one on one who helps me get my weight to 87kg. The whole time this is happening, I cannot believe it. There was a morning I weighed myself at Boots three times because I couldn’t believe I was under 90kg. None of it felt real.
  • 2003 – 2004: Move back home and put on all the weight I lost when I stop going to the gym every day. Adn I don’t even notice it because I never thought I was thinner in the first place.  Joined WW twice in one year – again! LOL!
  • 2004: Meet the bloke and slowly put on weight. Joined WW again (one last desperate stab!) and lasted all of 4 weeks. Lost almost nothing. Tried other ways of losing weight – like getting up at 5am to go to the gym, following that hideous Total Body Makeover from Bob Greene for weeks (training a few hours a day – what the fuck was I thinking?). following the Low GI plan – I could stick to none of it.
  • 2005 – 2007: Start discussing marriage and know I cannot be a fat bride! Start back at the gym 6 days per week, burning 3000 cal per week, eating 1500 – 1800 cal per day. Track everything. Get body scans done. Get down to 87kg…and I slowly stopped losing weight. I hated the attention from people. I was working so hard in the gym it was affecting my life. I panicked. I considered joining Sure Slim! I felt this uncontrollable hunger leading up to my wedding, and it took all my willpower to not eat myself out of the wedding dress I had had made. By the time I got back from the Honeymoon I was eating for Australia. I put all the weight back on and then some.

And here I am…107.5kg.

While a navel gazing Arts student reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (like all good Art students do!) and something I read still makes me smile…

The truth knocks on the door and you say, go away, I’m looking for the truth, and it goes away.

That’s my experience. Every time I count calories, join WW, go on a diet my mind goes no no no no no thank you! and rebels. I become obsessed with food. I lose no weight. Every single time I have lost weight I still feel fat and like the rug is going to be pulled from under my feet. I do not people noticing I am thinner at all. I hate the attention. 

I will never count calories again. I cannot do it. Every time I start to lose my way I resprt back to that but it’s ridiculous – it’s not going to work. It’s so hard to let go of though. 

As mentioned previously, I have started seeing a dietician and she has given me a book to read – The Gabriel Method. And between seeing her and following that book I know I will get myself sorted.

That’s the journey I’m on. I’ve got Jon Gabriel on one side and Peter Walsh on the other! Clutter free and a normal body – that’s what I want. A body and house I can be proud of.